franciscka.

Francine is Grateful.

2009-10-26T23:02:00.004+08:00

This is hardly a good time to start writing. Nonetheless, I’m going to continue as I’ve actually started, which rarely ever happens considering I’m now too afraid to start anything— reading a book, running, taking on more responsibilities or making amends.

It’s been a year since I wrote anything personal— stuff that hit my very core, made sense or was worth the read. But hey, life hasn’t exactly been candy-coated bliss since I’ve been on a writing hiatus.

~~Truckloads of shit~~ Stuff happened. And they weren’t good.

It didn’t feel great having your heart stolen, and later on broken and trampled on faster than you or your friends can scathingly yell “fluke!” Cutting off people out of your life didn’t feel so great either. Then again, it was a protective mechanism, something which if I hadn’t done, would’ve surely led me to a one-way ticket to the land of La Loca. And sure med school already has all the drama to last anyone’s lifetime, it being this one sick and twisted Big Brother of a social experiment. And while I would’ve tagged along through all that, everything eventually proved itself to be unworthy of all the shit and fuck— because I didn’t deserve all that was said. Behind my back. Ironically, by the same person I thought would actually have it covered.

While I sometimes still go on this dreary defensive state, claiming how all that happened and how I reacted was easy as apple pie, I’m setting the record straight, for all the world and for myself to know— it wasn’t. It absofuckinglutely was not.

But contrary to what I’ve had to learn in as hard a way as possible, the world actually is abound with good people. Real people who give a shit and are worthy of shit— lasting, non-damaging friendships and a sincere love this once cold-hearted self (as I remember being called numerous times by strangers, acquaintances and yes, even well-meaning friends) never thought was possible.

And so I’d like to thank those who’ve been with me through thick and thin, good and bad. You are awesome. It’s exactly people like you who make the bitter taste of beer worth every drop, suffering through long transes and weekly exams bearable, and this life worth every second spent ~~oversleeping~~ ~~procrastinating~~ ~~drinking ‘til sunrise~~ ~~swimming my ass off~~ ~~partying it up~~ being genuinely happy, here on this lovely, lovely world.

Francine Chua is very grateful. :)

Swoosh Me.

2009-10-10T11:03:00.002+08:00

"I forget the last time I felt brave, I just recall insecurity
Cause it came down like a tidal wave and sorrow swept over me

Depression please cut to the chase and cut a long story short
Oh please be done, how much longer can this drama afford to run
Fate looks sharp, severs all my ties and breaks whatever doesn't bend
But sadly then, all my heavy hopes just pull me back down again

It hurts just to wake up whenever you're wearing thin
Alone on the outside
So tired of looking in
The end is uncertain
And I've never been so afraid"

- "Tidal Wave," Owl City

Currently feeling the swoosh, goddamit.

P.S. Dormancy over. Blog back up and running.

Shameful Atenista

2008-12-03T11:37:00.000+08:00

Read up. Still can't believe people like this exist. What a waste.

Tsk, tsk.

A Pleasant Surprise

2008-11-18T17:08:00.018+08:00

Right after getting back at the condo, I turn on my laptop to check my mail. And while I still smell like formalin and rotting human remains- which is, unfortunately, the only "scent" that ever comes naturally to me now that school's started again, I go through my inbox and find a short e-mail from my leadership module facilitator.

"From: Boni Ang
To: Francine Chua
Sent: Tuesday, November 18, 2008 8:32:41 AM
Subject: Re: Journal Entry #6, Chua Mary Francine, 14 September 2008

I liked your sixth journal entry."

This got me all huffed up and excited, only to get jolted by the idea that I can't even remember whatever it was I wrote. So I start going through mails in my "Sent" folder for around five minutes and find (taaadaaa!) the much-coveted sixth journal entry. Haha :)

"Leadership Journal #6

'What drives me, moves me to persevere in what I am doing right now in my life? What are these telling me about who I am, what I am becoming, what I want to be now and who I want to be?'

These questions just keep on getting harder and harder each time, don’t they? I’m usually one who gets to say a lot in just a short while, but WOW. The word, “DOOMED,” might as well have written itself across my forehead in big, bold letters and underlined twice for extra emphasis and “oomph.”

I have been going through this over and over in my head for over a week now, and every answer I’ve ever come up with has never seemed quite right. The extremely taxing workload of taking in, memorizing and trying my best to digest all information from that much-dreaded Neuroanatomy Module isn’t helping at all, and neither are those twelve boring (not to mention incredibly long) chapters of Daft I’ve yet to face (and hopefully conquer) for our midterms in management next week.

But then again, I reckon answering this question must be plenty helpful. For somewhere along the line, and most especially amidst all this chaos, we’re all bound to ask ourselves, “What are we doing all this for?” And most importantly, “Is it really worth all this trouble?”

I guess it’s safe to say I’ve made every effort the entire week to arrive at an honest answer. But no, it didn’t happen as planned. I suppose nothing ever worth finding out comes as easy. However, this weekend, and in just the course of a day, everything just “clicked.”

When I got up this morning, I was made known of the terrible news about “the ring.” My mom had it redone, adding more diamonds to it and turning it into this downright ugly piece of jewelry, completely ruining the simplicity I had initially loved about it. And before anyone gets to thinking about how unnaturally affected I seem to be about my mom having one of her own pieces of jewelry redone, let me explain. See, when I was twelve, my mom and I were window shopping when we came across this stunning ring. It had a huge diamond in the middle, but looked simple in every way. I suppose it was “love at first sight” for my mom, for she purchased it then and there. I was never a fan of diamonds, but then she said this, “Paglaki mo, kapag naging doktora ka na, ibibigay ko ‘to sa ‘yo.” And although I had never expressed intentions on becoming a doctor, I started considering the option of a future career in medicine thereon in.

It’s a stupid stupid reason for wanting to pursue a career in medicine, I know. But that was then. And although it may seem irrelevant, I think it to be otherwise. It may have started as this odd “love affair” with a diamond ring, but the important thing is that it got me to consider getting to where I’m still trying to get to now that I’m in medical school, and that is to become a great doctor.

In the afternoon, I then went to the cemetery with my sister to visit our dad, whose birthday’s this week, on the 16th to be exact. And as I put down the flowers we brought him, I take a good look at his tombstone that bears a handsome picture of him. I start talking to him in my head, and I tell him everything that’s been happening with me in school, in the condo and at home. I then tell him, “Sana nandito ka ngayon, Pa. Sana proud ka.”

And then it hits me, I have also been doing this for my dad. I remember how proud I made him when I was on the top of my class, won quiz bees, got to be a medalist in high school and got into UP. And although deciding to be a doctor and going through medical school just to please a parent (especially a deceased one) still doesn’t sound right, I’m not going to deny that it matters. It matters a lot, actually.

At around dinnertime, I’m getting frustrated. Sure, I’ve found two answers, but they were only partially sound and correct. I knew they just weren’t “it.” We had dinner at Hap Chan, and just as we were about to get the check, I grab my wallet and open it up. But lo and behold, there it was. Tucked underneath my nephew’s picture was the “fortune” I got from a fortune cookie in the US about a year ago. I could not believe I completely forgot about it. My luck had changed. I had the answer, and one that I got from a fortune cookie, no less.

A purpose is the eternal condition for
success.
Lucky Numbers 2, 40, 12, 48, 29, 3

I’m here because I believe it to be my purpose. I’m here to serve. I’m here to be a doctor to people who need doctors the most. I’m here to make a difference. And although I think my sole effort won’t eradicate poverty altogether, I will make a difference nonetheless. It may not be the kind of difference that’s on a large and grander scale, but a difference in a single life would make it all worth the while for me.

I think it both sad and funny how that last thing never crossed my mind. I’ve probably said it a million times- what with the corresponding million times I’ve had to defend my decision of coming back to Manila to study and practice medicine here. Initially, and quite predictably, I blame the stress. But I think it all boils down to how I’ve been so used to using just my head in these last couple of months that I’ve completely forgotten to use this fully functional aortic pump in my chest. (Fine, “heart” it is. ☺)

These three reasons, made at different phases in my life, all say something about who I am. I’ve learned I started off materialistic (although I still admire diamonds! ☺), that I love my family and that as I’ve matured in the last couple of years, I’ve found my purpose to be here in the Philippines. I’ve learned that I want to make whatever difference I can possibly make, and that just the littlest ounce of difference in someone’s life would mean the absolute world to me. Lastly, I’ve learned that I am slowly becoming the sort of person who can’t take the idea of being and living without a purpose.

I want to be all that I am capable of becoming."

So there. I'm still sort of shocked and in-denial that I authored something like this at a time when we were all swamped... hell, drowning(!!!) in neurosciences shit. But then again, who knew stressed, completely maxed out people could get oh-so-emo? Haha :p

Patay Kang Bata Ka

2008-09-02T17:25:00.005+08:00

I know it. Heck, it's existed as this mantra I make sure to tell myself everyday since forever. It's been painfully etched in my bones, I can even feel it in my guts.

I know I should not be happy. No, not like this.

But I am.

Oh no. What a big, fat, obvious mistake. Quite the disappointment I'm setting myself up for. Shit.

Mah Homie.

2008-08-31T23:02:00.017+08:00

I will admit that in the past couple weeks, I have been such a grumpy ass. I keep trying to figure out whatever it is that's been missing, but now I think I've found it.

I just miss "mah homie," that's all.

...because Mommy's bag was meant to be dragged.

...because Tita Chin-chin needs money.

...because I can do splits!

Tita Chin-chin loves you :)

Evil, Personified

2008-08-25T12:33:00.003+08:00

I've made the horrible mistake of trusting. I've finally been shown how wrong I was, of knowing better and yet, kicking all intuition and (hard as it is to say) common sense to the curb. I've been shown how abso(fucking)lutely wrong I was about "seeing the good in people."

What I stand of losing doesn't mean a lot to me, it never has. But that I've been stupefied and made vulnerable, all as a part of this evil plot... that's just something else.

Some people call me "Evil." Most people don't (and probably never will) understand why. Of course, I've always been quick to deny it... but now she's out again.

I will wreak havoc.

Suprise, surprise.

2008-08-24T14:06:00.027+08:00

In spite of everything that's happened to me in that last couple of weeks, I'm surprised to find out I'm still (if not, oddly) okay.

First, my beloved laptop crashes on me. And being the smart ass, and a sort of all-knowing (who doesn't know anything) techie snob that I am, I've refused to backup all files, pictures, music and videos that date all the way from three years ago. Yipee, was I in for a treat... for now I'm forced to use that Toshiba laptop I fondly call "the laptop from circa Jesus." It's slow and ugly, but what bothers me most is that (*insert sound effects from "Jaws" here*)... it runs on Windows! I suppose it's true then, that "Once you go Mac, you never go back."

Next, Sunshine, my youngest sister and eternal slave, leaves me. (Hoy, bumalik ka na dito!) And now, I'm faced with this horrible realization that I won't get to see her for another two years. That's two Christmases, and two New Years' I don't get to spend with her (not to mention with Ate Kristine and my mom), and I've never spent those days without her. And see, that's just crazy right there.

As if those weren't enough, friendships I've had with people I once thought I knew, begin to crumble. They eventually come crashing down and burn in this amazing spectacle of ashes, hot amber and blazing fire all intertwined in this hypnotizing dance. Instead of fussing over controlling the flames, it's weird I've decided to just sit back, relax, and "enjoy" the show. It's weird, I know. But then again, controlling fire has never been my thing.

However, by saying I'm still fine with how everything's been, I'm not saying it's nice. I mean, I'd rather have things go the other way, of course. But if there's one thing I've learned in the past seven or so years of my life, it's that I can't control everything. I can (and hell yeah, I will) try, but expecting that all things go as planned only sets you up for a monumental, often catastrophic, disappointment. And if you can't handle that, learn to let go.

So there, I reckon this is precisely why I'm still okay. Unchanged. Unperturbed. Still here, all set and ready for better things that have yet to come.

From the Superwoman.

2008-05-20T21:45:00.008+08:00

Oh, the irony.

What used to be the problem of how to add more excuses to the already unbelievable plethora of excuses I'd regularly come up with just to get out of the house and away from her, has now become the problem of not getting to connect with her through calls or e-mails. I complain about it all the time now, which often leads to spurts of depression I usually only get out of after playing with Gabe and Joaquin; but the irony of it all makes it worse, makes me sick to my stomach.

Thing is, I got to writing about her because I finally got an e-mail from her a while ago. And although I think she's still quite stubborn about expressing feelings (--now I know where I get that from!), I swear that I was on the verge of tears after reading it.

"New York Medical College

announces that

MARIA RAMONA ELENA RUSTIA VER

has graduated from the

SCHOOL OF MEDICINE

with an professional degree as a

DOCTOR OF MEDICINE

on May 21, 2008.

DR. MARIA R. VER

will be entering the field of

GENERAL SURGERY

and will start her residency training at the

University of Illinois College of Medicine at Chicago,

Mount Sinai Medical Center Program

in June 2008."

I've got to say that when I first read it, I couldn't understand what it was about. But as it turns out, it was a forwarded e-mail from her friend whose daughter was about to begin her residency. And I couldn't make sense out of why she would send me something like this (--let's get real here, truth is I couldn't care less about it), but alas, she wrote a small note:

"Hi Francine,

4 to 6 years from now Mama will be doing this too. Well, whatever happens, Mama is always going to be proud of you and your sisters."

Aww, I miss my mom :(

Karma Bites.

2008-05-19T18:06:00.006+08:00

I must be mad. Way out of my mind. But why does this even bother me? I know it shouldn't 'cause I've done this plenty of times. (Fine.. so "plenty" still sounds like an understatement, so what?)

Daaamn, I've been given a taste of my own medicine... and I have to say it tastes absolutely disgusting.

Shit.

"It's all about speed, isn't it? One thing to another, never standing still. You're good at that."

- Dr. Wilson, "House M.D."

Ten Rockin' Years!

2008-05-13T22:16:00.007+08:00

Had a "spur of the moment" dinner with my best friend today. And I've got to say that it's the best thing that's happened to me, so far, this week. What makes it extra special though, is how I was suddenly reminded about how we've been best friends for ten rock solid years.

Sometimes I still can't believe it. Damn, I can't even stop smiling :) Love you, Miams!

P.S. May best friend ka na, nasa Jollibee pa kayo. San ka pa?!?

P.P.S. Should've taken more pictures! Tsk tsk tsk.

"Balot Kayo Diyan!"

2008-05-04T17:06:00.014+08:00

After having lived in the US for almost a year, I realized that for the entire time I was there, all I did was complain. I would rant about the shitty weather, the icky food and the relatively small malls they've got there. But this isn't to say that my stay there bore nothing, for if not for that period in my life, I guess I never would have appreciated being a Filipino and learned to love what is our truly unique Filipino identity. And so a few days ago, I took what I thought was a crucial step to proving this identity: eating the infamous balut (or for some people, trying at the very least).

At first, I thought it was going to be a piece of cake, seeing as the sabaw and the yellow part were actually more than tolerable, they were delectable. But alas, my "piece of cake" revealed its true self and was staring right at me. Nakakaawa yung sisiw! But I was determined to eat the whole thing so I came up with a solution: SMOOSH IT! I figured the only reason keeping me from eating the thing was because it had a face, so I smooshed it so that the face was barely recognizable. Gross na kung gross, basta it works!

It felt great finally eating that balut (not to mention conquering my barf reflex!). Haha :) It doesn't taste that great, but I'm all for a challenge, so I think that on my next balut, I'm going to try to eat the whole thing without smooshing it. Sooo proud! :D

Looking smug and all.

Giddyyap!

2008-03-15T21:25:00.002+08:00

I feel all giddy inside. I'm so happy, I figure something this good can't possibly last for very long.. so allow me to immortalize this pristine moment of happiness through this blog post. Here goes, ahem...

May school naaaa kooooo!!! Weeeeeee! Ang saya saya! Hindi ko na kelangang bumalik ng States! Yahoooharhar!

*regain composure*

That went well, don't you think? Haha :)

Romance, Oooh La La.

2008-03-13T13:37:00.003+08:00

After being back for only a week, you'd be surprised how many times I've been asked the one question I now sort of loathe hearing: "Bakit wala ka pa ring boyfriend?"

And everytime someone asks me that, a conversation (that I now regret ever having, by the way) with a friend back in the US would just pop up in my head. He was saying something about how the ugly truth was that I was a "commitment phobe," and to which I was quick to deny. But after a few more minutes of arguing, and of basically, him jamming the idea into my head, I got pissed and ended up blurting out something that finally ended the whole shebang:

"It's not that I'm not romantic. It's just that I'm so romantic, I think I lost it."

It's been a while since it happened, but I have to admit that those stupid words continue to haunt me up to this very day.

Seriously seriously messed up.

"For me it's better I don't romanticize things as much anymore. I was suffering so much all the time. I still have lots of dreams, but they're not in regard to my love life. It doesn't make me sad, it's just the way it is."

-from the movie, "Before Sunrise"

Crossed Fingers (and Toes!)

2008-03-10T21:09:00.004+08:00

Tomorrow is it. It's the it of the it.

One advice I remember getting was to reread my essay, and after doing so, I feel the urgent need to give myself a big slap in the face. Yes folks, it's THAT BAD.

Damn, I'm toast.

Crashed.

2008-02-28T07:15:00.002+08:00

Meron akong "Crash." And all I can say about it is this: Oh. Ehem. Gee.

I am a terrible, terrible person. Thank goodness I'm going home.

P.S. Si "Crash" ay isang taong hindi pwede.

Ode to (Chicken) Joy

2008-02-06T04:43:00.000+08:00

Chicken nuggets and chicken selects from McDonald's. Tendergrill from Burger King. Everyday, it's all the same. And although it's all chicken, there's no chicken in this world quite like the good old Filipino favorite: Chickenjoy!

I would absolutely kill for one glorious, magical, savory bite. Aaaahh..

Oh my gulay. Naglilihi na naman yata ako. Hehe :D

P.S. Ngayon naman gusto ko ng mainit na taho. Tugush!

Quotes of the Weak

2008-02-01T05:46:00.001+08:00

Memorable quotes from this week that I can't stop laughing about:

"Kung totoo ang 'Darwin's Theory of Evolution' na ang mga tao ay nagmula sa unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo?"

-from a forwarded e-mail from Mama

Huwaw. Patok, noh? O 'eto pang isa.

"Ate Kristine, feeling ko nabulunan ako sa kulangot ko."

-Anonymous

Alriiiggghhhttt. Gross. Har har :)

W****r's Block

2008-01-29T19:40:00.003+08:00

Oo na, hindi pa rin ako tapos. Three weeks ko nang ginagawa pero isa't kalahating pages pa lang ang nagagawa ko. Hmf. Bakit pa ba kelangan ng essay?!?

My mind is drifting off to somewhere completely unrelated to the application essay I was supposed to finish last week, so what else is there to do but blog? Har har.

Recently, as I've been pondering on what medical school to attend, I could not help but discover the thing that's been in the back of my mind all this time. I've been so negative these past couple of months about what country to stay in, what school to go to, and whether or not everything I'm about to sacrifice will be worth it. So negative, in fact, that I've completely forgotten to see the upside of everything I've been ranting about. The thing is, I've got options.

Options (as one blog entry was even aptly named after) were mostly the cause of countless hours of reflection (dead silence, pare) I would have while passing the time at work. I'd think and think, and then think some more, until the day would be over and everything would remain unresolved. Thing is, there's so much out there, and there's so much I want to do. And I would continue to waste time thinking about how unfair it was that even with a lifetime spent trying to explore it, we could only go through about a page or two of the world that is our book.

But I've since gone past that phase, and have instead been beaming with the thought that I've got all these options to choose from. I'm lucky because I get to go after what I want no matter how grand (surgeon!) or ridiculous (fortune teller?) it may be. I'm especially lucky because I get to paint a picture of my own future, without having to think much about money or what other people might think of me. And having realized this now has helped me move past that awkward and bitter phase where all I could think about was, "Why me, of all people?"

Geez, I could be a big whiner rin pala.

And even though my mom's nagging voice ("Franciska, patayin naman ang ilaw a!") still resonates in my ear, I know that I owe all this to her.

Gawd, I have such an awesome mom. I sure hope she doesn't read my blog, but in case she does...

I love you, Ma. Salamat sa lahat.

Smug :)

2008-01-26T01:10:00.001+08:00

Wow, 2008 na pala.

I've completely forgotten to update this blog. Seeing the date on my last post makes me feel guilty for having neglected this blog for the longest time. I'm sorry my dearest bloggie, I'm sorry. I'm so so so so sorry. I'm sssooo sorry. I'm so so sorry. (Omg, the saying sorry part is giving me unwanted flashbacks of my one drunken night in Laguna. Turns out I say "so sorry" lots and lots of times when I'm drunk. Haha! But at least I learned something that night.. and that's to never underestimate the power of a bath towel to absorb vomit- with chunks pa!) Bleecch. The ugly memory is making my skin crawl. Oh gawd.

Okay, back to business.

I was going to post something about how proud I am of myself today. When I got home from work this morning, I was greeted by my stepdad and we got to talking about what would have to happen when I got home and started going to school. He asked me if I planned to stay in a dorm or at home with Achi, and in a heartbeat, I told him I wanted the latter. Then he said, "Then we've got to get you a car. I told your mom we were going to buy you a car."

So wow, tiba. That was one of the things my eager ears have been waiting to hear since I got my driver's license four years ago. But lo and behold, I heard someone replying with a humble, "Don't. I don't need it. I want to ride a trike and a jeep to school." Look, I know what you're thinking, and the answer is "No, I wasn't trying to lure 'em deeper into it. Neither was I trying to act all I'm-Mother-Teresa-you-can-put-a-halo-over-my-head-now" about it.

Thing is, I meant it. I miss the adventures (misadventure's more like it!) of what used to be my daily commute. I miss the back ride when I'm on the tricycle. I miss lugging around my huugggee books, and admittedly, having to sometimes use them as a means of getting people out of my way (Hehe! Evil na kung evil. In my world, the law of "Get the hell out of my way or feel the wrath of Guyton and Hall!" always applies.) Heck, I even miss the "Nasa loob ba ko ng lata ng Ligo sardinas?" feeling I never fail to get whenever I try to squeeze my way into the LRT coach.

As soon as Uncle Robert stepped outside to check if his car was warmed up enough, it hit me. Damn, I'm different.. I've changed. I've somehow managed to move myself away from the materialistic sort of world that most people are immersed in. (Disclaimer: Shoes are NOT included. Because shoes are not material possessions.. they are beautiful things with feelings. Shoes are your friends. Tugush! Harhar!)

Ayun. I'm just proud of myself for having realized that it's the simpler things in life that truly count. So, it seems as if it's pretty clear what will be one of the first few things I'll be doing when I get home. Clue? "Manong, isang Merbel ho, estudyante."

Ugliness

2007-10-26T02:15:00.000+08:00

Remember the countless times you told your mom you thought you were fat? Or that you weren't pretty or skinny enough? And do you remember the respective countless times she would tell you that you must be way out of your mind because you were absolutely not?

And like most daughters, I always got that from mom... until today, that is.

Thing is, my acne came back a few months ago. It got so bad, I even had clusters of 'em on my cheeks. It seemed that the concoctions of my previous dermatologist (in Manila) were no longer working, so I tried using other skin care products, i.e. Murad's Acne Complex Kit. They did work a bit, but then it got worse. So I finally decided to consult a dermatologist despite my laughable, pitiful financial situation. I was prescribed oral antibiotics (again!) and topical medication for my face. Two weeks into it, I no longer get those big, painful zits that remind me of the Cordillera mountain range (*note attempt at humor*). But now, I'm left with ugly brown and red spots that even the very best make up cannot conceal. And although I try to be strong, brave and optimistic, I fear that my insecurities, triggered by the eerie, what-happpened-to-your-face, aww-it's-going-to-be-alright looks I get from my co-workers, stepdad, sisters and mother, have finally gotten the best of me.

But it was not until this morning that I hit rock bottom.

See, I told my mom that I thought I was ugly, and I told her that it was 'cause of the acne marks on my face. And you know what? For once, she didn't disagree with me. I couldn't believe it. She'd disagree with me on everything, but it was then that I wanted... hell, needed for her to disagree with me and she didn't. She just stood there right in front of me, with eyes on my hello-Freddie-Krueger of a face, and with absolutely nothing to say. And to be quite honest, the sinking feeling was more painful than the mountain-range of a breakout on the worst of bad skin days.

Great, just great. Maraming salamat sa iyong suporta.

"From Some Med School in the Philippines?!?"

2007-10-02T06:40:00.000+08:00

I was watching the latest episode of Desperate Housewives last night, the one where Susan was told by her OB-GYN that she was already menopausal. And of course she couldn't believe it because she was too young for it, but then she said this:

"Can I check those diplomas? 'Cause I just wanna make sure they're not from some med school in the Philippines."

And then I couldn't believe it. I can't believe how low they thought of Filipinos. It makes me sick just to think about it.

I'm appalled. I've just removed the show from my list of schedules recordings. As good as the show is, I'm sorry but I just don't think I will ever get over this. Piece of stupid stupid shit.

Saling Pusa

2007-09-15T22:27:00.000+08:00

In the 8 facts about you, you share 8 things that your readers don’t know about you.

Then at the end you tag 8 other bloggers to keep the fun going.

– Each blogger must post these rules first.
– Each blogger starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
– Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their 8 things and post these rules.
– At the end of your blog, you need to choose 8 people to get tagged and list their names.
– Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I have the weirdest, strangest, most absurd dreams in history. I'm serious. In fact, two nights ago, I partied with Usher and Pharrell Williams at our house in Merville. The two were climbing our small water tower at the garage, while people gathered and watched from below. Alas, Pharrell Williams ignored the "Warning: It is dangerous to go beyond this point" sign, fell, and went SPLAT! on the concrete floor.

2. I'm addicted to Pride and Prejudice. I first read the book back in high school for a book report, and fell in love with it. I've got a DVD of the BBC adaptation and have seen it at least 8 or 9 times.

3. I was once married to both Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic. I had a daughter with Rafa named Georgiana (after Georgiana Darcy, Fitzwilliam Darcy's sister), who later died because of a mysterious cold she contracted from her half sister, Bri, my youngest daughter with Novak.

Needless to say, I'm addicted to simulation games, in particular, The Sims. Boink.

4. I always win when it comes to sports (swimming, bowling, tennis.. name it) and car games. I instantly get crushes on people who beat me on these things.

5. My first ever dream was to become a race car driver. That was, until I had my very first car accident at the age of 12. It was after Sunday mass, and I got the car keys from my mom, ran to and started our van, panicked when the engine actually started, accidentally put my foot on the gas pedal, and slightly bumped our van to the car parked in front of ours.

6. I was found to have a small, benign tumor in my brain when I was 13 years old. The adenoma's present condition, however, is unknown.

7. I never use sauces or condiments (ketchup, eeww!) when eating, except for patis at kalamansi when I'm having fried fish along with steamed rice. As much as possible, I'd like to get a "pure" taste of whatever it is I'm eating.

8. I once thought I was bisexual. It's a good thing I got all my issues straight, or in this case, got myself to stay straight? Haahhaha! Gulat ka noh? ;)

I was tagged by Carolle. Now I'm tagging (1) Pachuts, (2) Ryan, (3) Tals, (4) Dette, (5) Sunshine C., (6) Ronald, (7) Maneng, and (8) Sharon.

Taaadaaaa!

2007-08-29T01:18:00.000+08:00

You know how I've always wanted one of those high-cut converse sneakers?

Well, I finally got myself a pair last week... only they're not exactly what I originally had in mind. Oh well, I guess I'll have to settle with these then. Hehe :)

Coolness, huh? I love that you can fold it, just like the chucks I wanted back in Manila. I'm especially proud of them, since they're my first purchase from my first ever paycheck. Yeeaaah!

Tornado Watch

2007-08-25T09:18:00.000+08:00

I've gone to wondering about the supposed highlights of my life in these past few months, and judging by two brief conversations that keep popping up in my head, I'm inclined to say that things aren't going so well. Oh well, suprise surprise.

CONVERSATION #1: Sunshine and I just finished watching a whole season of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

Sunshine: We need more F.R.I.E.N.D.S.!
***short pause***
Me: You know what the sad thing is about what you just said?
Sunshine: What?
Me: We meant "friends" as in F.R.I.E.N.D.S. the DVD.
***short pause***
Sunshine: Oo nga noh.

CONVERSATION #2: It's 11 pm, and the three of us (meaning Ate Kristine, Sunshine and myself) decide to head off to McDonald's...

Ate Kristine: Hey, what do you guys want?
Me: A life. One tall "life", please.
Sunshine: For here or to go?
Me: For to go, please. Thanks.
***conversation ends with sarcastic, yet slightly-pathetic-when-you-think-about-it-long-enough kind of laughter***

Tadaaa. The sign on the door over at McDonald's says "lovin' it". And all I can say about that is this: I wish I could say the same thing.

Gaya Gaya Puto Maya

2007-07-15T03:53:00.000+08:00

Paglaki Buwwaaaaya!

Was going through recent posts by my contacts in Multiply today, and I saw this one by Tals. I don't have anything planned for today so I, needless to say, did this. Voila.

1. How am I feeling today?
- Let Me Go (3 Doors Down): Please lang, parang awa mo na.

2. How will I feel getting married?
- He Wasn't Man Enough (Toni Braxton): ... and that's why I will never get married.

3.) What is my best friend's theme?
- Crazy For You (Spongecola): Awwww, and her birthday's just a few days from now, too.

4.) High school is?
- Smack That (Akon feat. Eminem): Yeah! Smack that! I hated my high school life. Everyone was superficial. If it weren't for the Thomas peeps, I bet I never would've survived. I guess all I'm trying to say is, I'm just all too glad I'm out of the hell hole that was high school.

5.) How is today?
- I'm Sprung (T-Pain): "Got me doing things I'll never do."

7.) What is in store for this week?
- Angels or Devils (Dishwalla): "Ratatouille" and my new sky high espadrilles were the lone angels, mehn. Everything else was pure evil. (Exagge!)

8.) What song best describes my parents?
- Without Reason (The Fray): Perfecto!

9.) How is my life going?
- Tuliro (Spongecola): I'm screwed.

10.) What song will they play at my funeral?
- I Love You (Martina McBride): Hmm, interesting. Ang tanong, "Sinong kakanta niyan?"

11.) Is this going to be a good year?
- Loving You (Paolo Nutini): So, I'm supposed to love it this year?

12.) What's your love life like?
- Just for Today (India Arie): So true. So true. Everything that's happened to me, that's even remotely close to the elusive four-letter word, turns out to be short-lived. I'm cursed, I tell 'ya.

13.) What's your favorite?
- How to Touch a Girl (JoJo): Again, interesting. But let's not talk about that.

14.) Best bored activity?
- A Promise (Chicosci): Promises, promises.

15.) Favorite quote?
- Last Request (Paolo Nutini): I'm not so sure about this one.

16.) Song played in your wedding?
- Fools Like Me (Lisa Loeb): Ha! Thought so.

17.) What is your boyfriend's/ girlfriend's theme song?
- Lie Low (Plumb): But I wouldn't know anything about having a boyfriend, would I?

18.) The song that best describes your childhood days...
- Who Do You Tell (Tamia): Aringkingkingking!

19.) The song that keeps playing in your mind...
- Do I Need a Reason (D' Sound): Yep. But that's because it's my ring tone.

20.) The song that will make me happy.
- You're a God (Vertical Horizon): Yes, and you are not. Wahaahahhahah! :D

Okay fine, so maybe there is something I should be doing now, but I'm just too frustrated to get back to it. HPLC (High Performance Liquid Chromatography) and GC (Gas Chromatography) were both taught when I was at UP, but we never really got to go beyond the theoretical. And now, I'm forced to cram all these "practical"information into my head. Good luck. Hmf.

Minus Two Pounds in a Day

2007-07-01T15:01:00.000+08:00

I'm almost back to my original weight. From 117 lbs., I'm down to a 112. But the thing is, I shed the last two in just a day.

Bad things have been happening lately, and that, perhaps, is the secret behind all this. And with the way that things have been going the way that they have been for quite a while now, I'm gearing myself up to losing a few more pounds in the next couple of days.

A few weeks ago, a cousin, who, to tell you the truth, is more like a brother to us, got into some deep trouble. But I reckon his situation's a little better now, although he did get us worried for awhile there. Then things between myself and my mom started disintegrating, but nonetheless it never quite prepared me for what was to come that faithful Thursday evening. She blew up, and then I got fed up. And we haven't talked since. I turned out not eating anything for more than 24 hours, just water, and then I dropped the pounds. I had no idea I had the makings of an anorexic inside me all along.

After a drastic recovery from this "temporary madness" of a depression, mostly through a day of hard, can-you-see-my-biceps-now kind of manual labor with my stepfather (who's a contractor, by the way), I find myself a little depressed again. Just tonight, we heard the terrible news of our five year-old Lhasa apso's sudden, completely unexpected death.

Oh well. I guess it's like what they all say then, "When it rains, it pours."

Goodbye Tashi baby. Give my regards to Papa, okay? He's probably already waiting for you up there anyway, your very own welcoming committee, just waiting for you to enter the Pearly Gates. He's probably there right now, clutching a small "Welcome to heaven, Tashi" sign in one hand.. and a golf club (a driver, mind you) in the other. Ingat ka ha, Tashi :) *wink wink*

The Jury Is In

2007-06-24T14:18:00.000+08:00

Breaking news!

I'm coming back to Manila. (*insert gorilla-like chest thumping action here* haha!)

Yes, I'm coming back this March (most probably). Just in time for med school interviews and... in time to save all of us from what would have been the greatest catastrophe mankind could witness: my completely going out of and losing my mind.

Wow mehn, Manilaaahhh. I can't wait! :D

In the meantime, I'll be looking for jobs (*jobseeeekkaahh! mode*), and then working when I finally find one. I sure hope they're hiring twelve year-old look-a-likes here. (Okay fine... fourteen, maybe.)

Oh, and one last thing. Just how do I tell Mama that the NMAT here costs $380? What could possible be the best way to break this breaking thing to her? Hehe. (Suggestions would be greatly appreciated.)

P.S. So yeah, the lawyer said all I had to do was apply for a re-entry permit/visa. I'm going to have to come back every 2 years or so to retain my permanent resident status, but that's not much of a big deal at all now. I mean, just imagine our previous plan, 'cause that was absurdity at its best: back and forth from Manila to the States every six months.

Options

2007-06-18T11:16:00.000+08:00

I've got an appointment with the lawyer in downtown Chicago this Tuesday. And although a single appointment would set us back a good hundred dollars, which could get me at least one or two more pairs of Steve Madden shoes (I'm addicted, I tell 'ya), I can't help but think that it's as good as money well spent.

The reason is because I think I've got too many options right now, and I've got to start narrowing things if ever want to get anywhere close to where I want to be a couple of years from now. Yes, it's still about this one elusive thing: med school.

Everyone I've spoken to about a career in medicine probably knows this already, and that's that I want to become a really really good doctor, the kind people from different parts of the country (heck, the world) go to when their own doctors are stumped. And I don't want to specialize in just any field, mind you, I want to be in surgery. (Right now my mind's set on pediatric or cardio-thoracic.)

In what would soon be a great struggle to reach this goal, some questions need to be answered first. (1) What do I see myself doing after 10 years? (2) Is this what I really want to do? (3) If yes, then what medical school would give me the best training possible? (4) Where do I want to practice my craft?

Answers I've come up with are: (1) I see myself in an operating room, with scalpels and surgical instruments, surrounded by nurses and other surgeons, in a scrub suit that occasionally gets drenched in blood (2) Yes, because I can't think of another career that can't ever get boring and become much like a routine (3) Medical schools here in the US, because (let's face it) the technology is soooooo.... woah. (4) My mind (not to mention my nagger of a mother!) tells me to practice in the US, but my heart is really set on practicing in my home, the Philippines. But now that I know what I want, it's gotten even more confusing, because the answers I've come up with just don't jive. They can't happen. Something has just got to give. But what?

Do I give up the dream of specializing in surgery, and instead, settle for something less (perhaps cardiology or internal medicine) so that I can get to practice in the Philippines, or do I give up my nationalism for my dream?

As odd as it may sound, I'm hoping that someone would just tell me what to do. Put on a weird mustache, prance around like Hitler and tell me what to do. Tell me to go home. Tell me to stay here. I don't care anymore, just please.. tell me what I can and should do. (Yeah, that's pretty much what I'm hoping the lawyer would tell me this Tuesday.)

Options are great, sure.. and for most people anyway. But for paranoid, indecisive people like me... mehn, it just sucks.

Take Me Home.

2007-05-27T03:38:00.001+08:00

I cried today.

At first, it felt pathetic. I mean, who cries infront of the computer anyway? (Pwede ba chua, wala ka sa telenovela.)

I really really miss my boys, Gabe and Joaquin. And I only realize this now. Because I cried. Infront of the computer. While viewing pictures of Gabe's recent trip to Hong Kong. With the infamous Tiffany sleeping on my more than ngawit na feet.

Kasalanan mo 'to Ate Marbs. Hala ka, pinaiyak mo ko :p

Gabe at the airport, on his way to meet his Teeetaaaahhhhhhss.

(Makasulat nga sa Wish ko Lang...)

Boredom Kills.

2007-04-16T22:13:00.000+08:00

No. Perhaps "untaken cared of" isn't quite it.

It's not that no one takes care of me, because a lot of people do. But you've got to understand what I've got going here, which is, quite precisely, nothing. I don't mind being at home, but being home alone for over a month now has turned me beyond paranoid. Someone please help me. Talk to me.

Plus, now I find out that when I get to the States, I'd be all alone all over again, except it would be worse since then I'd only be left with a dog for a companion. No more Joaquin and Gabe. No more Thomas. No more PH peeps. No more Ate Gracia and Luisa. No more Achi, Ate Marbs and Kuya Bang. Just me, and the dog.

Apparently, Homo sapiens sapiens like keeping their distance from me. Effective, yet discreetly done. Bravo.

What Medical Career?

2007-04-10T20:58:00.000+08:00

"We all think we're going to be great, and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren't met. But sometimes our expectations sell us short; sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison with the unexpected.You've got to wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the expected is just what keeps us steady, standing still. The expected is just the beginning [but] the unexpected is what changes our lives."

-Meredith Grey, "Grey's Anatomy"

Homesick

2007-03-20T11:47:00.000+08:00

“I’m surrounded by a million people, but I still feel alone. I just want to go home."

-“Home,” Michael Bublè

I want to go home. No. I need to go home.

This really is the most terrible case of homesickness I have ever experienced in my whole twenty years of life. In fact, just this morning, I woke up from the weirdest dream that I also have the hardest time trying to classify as either a good, pleasant one or a nightmare.

My dream went on like this.

All the activities we had planned for the barangay was happening, and everything was going great. Everything was going on as planned. Residents of the barangay were gathered at the plaza/ basketball court, and they all looked like they were having a fun time following my groupmates, Lea and Niña, as they led the exercise program. On the other side of the basketball court, Belinda was having a cooking demonstration on how to cook healthy foods with mothers who had even brought their children with them. Kalvin and Ate Eloi, on the other hand, were congratulating the winners of the fun run activity, who had all just been awarded medals and cash prizes. And I, I just stood there, I was assessing everything, observing everyone and feeling so grateful and proud about the good work we had done. Then, I saw them. I saw my eldest sister, Achi Bunny, participating in the cooking demonstration. I also saw Ate Marby and my very makulit nephew, Gabe, interacting with other residents. They were all having a good time. And, for the first time since I got here, I felt complete.

And then I woke up. It was all a dream.

There was honestly nothing I wanted more at the time than to go back to sleep and stay immersed in my beautiful dream, except for I couldn’t. There was still work to be done , so I had to force myself to get up and prepare myself for yet another busy day. It was so disheartening.

I miss my sisters. I miss my adorable nephews. I miss my Mom, who, by the way, still hasn’t called me in a week. I miss my family. I miss home.

I can bear not having all the comforts of life that I’m used to. I can bear having to wash all my clothes by hand, or having to wash piles and piles of dishes as many as five times a day… but what I can’t stand is being away from my family.

Someone please take me home. I want to go home. ☺

P.S. This is actually my field practice reflection paper for week four, (syemps) when I was at the peak of my depression :p

"G-Girl" Meets "The Simple Life"

2007-03-03T13:18:00.000+08:00

“The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. But in the love poetry of every age the woman longs to be weighed down by the man’s body. The heaviest of burden is therefore, simultaneously, an image of life’s most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the close our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become.”

-Milan Kundera, “The Unbearable Lightness of Being”

In this very minute, on my first week of stay in Barangay Linga, away from home, family and friends, not to mention the comforts of a 24/7 air-conditioned bedroom, household help, cable TV and unlimited Internet access, I’m starting to feel like a saint. No. Seriously. I feel like a character straight from the many fiction novels I enjoy reading at home, while lying down on a big, über-comfortable sofa. I feel like Samantha, the main character of the novel, “The Undomestic Goddess.” She was a big time lawyer in the bustling city, but who later on worked as a totally clueless housekeeper in one of the less “urbanized” towns in the outskirts of the city. I know I’m not a lawyer, neither am I being treated like a slave or a housekeeper by my new “housemates,” but I’m really starting to feel a lot like her. We’re both used to the chaotic, often suffocating atmosphere of the city, and in fact, that’s where we flourish. One might even say I’m the epitome of an “urban chick.” I don’t like the feeling of quiet, neither do I like hearing the roosters greet the coming of the day.

I admit, I can’t believe that I’m saying these things. People here are nice, kind and always thoughtful. Tita Baby aka Nanay, I believe, is one of the kindest people I have ever known and met. Although we’ve temporarily invaded their privacy, not to mention caused her and her family less peace and quiet, I feel like she really cares for us. She offers us food all the time, which we, of course, accept all the time, too. ☺ She taught us the how to’s and the do’s and don’ts of cooking rice, doing the laundry, and cutting vegetables, especially the very slippery sayote. She, in short, treats us like her own children, and for that alone, I feel like we’d be completely lost without her. And I think that for someone who hasn’t lived with a mother for the past seven years, that’s really saying something.

My new “housemates,” Kalvin aka “Cover Boy”, Ate Eloi aka “Little Wonder,” Lea, Niña and Bel aka “The Beautiful Girls” are all great. I think we’d make a good, strong team. A team that would be a force to be reckoned with, if you will. ☺ We have all assumed our own roles in the house. We’re all also starting to form bonds with each other that I sincerely think go beyond mere working relationships. And that’s a real comfort, sometimes even a source of strength when I start missing my sisters and nephews, and feel like dropping out of the course and just taking the next bus home.

I am fully aware that for the next five weeks of our lives, “toxicity levels” will rise, driving us to the brink of a major “meltdown.” But I’m more than confident that we’ll get through those times together, because more than just a strong friendship, we also have Ate Emy’s amazing cheeseburger and Ate Opie’s special halo-halo. And we all know there’s nothing a few cheeseburgers and some halo-halo can’t fix.

P.S. Samantha from the “Undomestic Goddess” left the life in the city. She learned to love what she thought she hated. She loved “the simple life.” And I think I will, too. ☺

Iyakin.

2007-01-21T16:37:00.000+08:00

For the sake of letting everyone know that I'm still alive, I've decided to list some of the more important things that have happened to me lately. So here:

1. I'm back. Yes I'm back, and I arrived on the morning of January 3rd. Our flight from Chicago to Detroit got delayed for more than an hour because the plane was overloaded. Proving that I have the worst luck ever, my conecting flight from Detroit to Nagoya then got delayed for three more hours because of technical problems. At the time, there was nothing left to do but stuff myself with $10 worth of McDonald's: grilled chicken sandwich, 2 baked apple pies, large fries and large soda.

2. The final draft of our thesis, entitled "The Prevalence of Asymptomatic Pyuria Among Female Public High School Students and Its Association with Personal Hygiene Practices" was finished, passed and presented to the committee.

3. Our thesis defense turned out to be worse than I could've ever imagined. However, the very tyring experience made me proud of myself for being able to hang on for at least five minutes longer. Kudos for courage. Congrats. *pat on the back* :)

4. We've got a lot to work on our pre-final thesis paper. Deadline's this tuesday, which can only mean I'll look like shit starting tomorrow. Oh, and we've got three exams this week, I think. Haha. Good luck, mehn.

5. After this week, it's finals week. So you can also expect me to look like crap then.

6. The week after next week, we'll be starting to "work" at the laboratories of the Philippine General Hospital. So, I guess it'll also be safe to say I'll look like crap then.

P.S. Ang bulok naman ng post na 'to. Wala na ngang sense wala pang coherence. Shemak talaga.

Ninang Loves Gabe

2006-12-03T20:50:00.000+08:00

Cuenca sucks. ATC was okay. But our own (mis)adventures in the car with Gabe were the best.
I'm drained... but nevertheless, what a super super fun day! :D

Sweet dreams everyone. *hhuuuggg*

She's Out of My Life

2006-12-01T02:27:00.000+08:00

She's out of my life. And I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I don't know whether to live or die. And it cuts like a knife, she's out of my life.

It's out of my hands. To think for 6 months, she was here. And I took her for granted, I was so cavalier. Now the way that it stands... she's out of my hands.

So I've learned that love's not possession. And I've learned that love won't wait. Now I've learned that love needs expression... but I learned too late.

She's out of my life. Damned indecision and cursed pride, kept my love for her locked deep inside. And it cuts life a knife, she's out of my life.

*tear*

*sniff sniff*

Pa, This One's Just For You

2006-11-26T22:30:00.000+08:00

I had just finished playing the song, "Stacy's Mom" for you. And as the song was being played, I couldn't help but notice a weird, yet rare kind of smile slowly appearing on my face.

Hay.. Ibang klase ka talaga, Pa :)

I remember being in the kitchen then. I was getting something to eat when I heard the song being played. I paused for a while and thought, "Hindi ko ba napatay yung TV? Tsaka ako lang naman nanonood ng MTV dito, tiba? Hindi naman nanonood si Sunshine nun a.." Curious to find out who had been watching, I went to the living room, and then saw you. You were, indeed, a sight to behold: a tall, shirtless guy sprawled on the couch, watching the video with all focus on Stacy's blonde, skintight leather-wearing, pole-dancing Mom. I bet that you'd have laughed, too, had you you seen yourself then. You finally noticed me laughing not-so-discreetly behind you, and you immediately switched channels. Aba, si Papa, nahihiya rin pala? I teased you about it, and needless to say, never let you forget about your "moment of weakness." Hehe :D

Thank you for all the wonderful, unforgettable memories Pa. I still can't believe it's been a whole two years without you. I love you :)

Everyone's Got Bangs!

2006-11-19T22:31:00.000+08:00

And then there were four… the dancing drummer, the Biogesic songstress, the gorgeous “kamandag”, and the not-so-innocent “heart.”

Fishballs pancit. Green mangoes and bagoong. Two buckets of beer and two cups of mini-stop’s “hot coffee” instant coffee.

These are, indeed, the wasted, drunken moments I live for. For once, it feels great to be young. Thanks guys :)

Thank You.

2006-11-14T19:47:00.000+08:00

"...who knows what you will have in a year or two."

Her constant nagging, over the phone and even on e-mail, makes me want to scream all the time, everytime.

But then again, there will be days she'll say exactly what you need to hear.

Nice one, Ma. Can't thank you enough. I heart you.

Unbearable

2006-11-12T12:24:00.000+08:00

In just a month, I've successfully turned myself into a complete recluse... a social outcast if you will. And with every word echoing with nothing but the negative, I can't blame anyone for not wanting to be around me. Heck, even I can't stand being around me. So much, in fact, that I'd get away from myself if I could. :(

So I guess it's no wonder I'm not excited to go back to school. Feels as if there's nothing for me to come back to anyway. Oh well, at least it'll be over in a few months.

Let's just get this over with.

Starlight

2006-11-06T23:36:00.000+08:00

"I will be chasing a starlight until the end of my life. I don't know if it's worth it anymore."

- "Starlight", Muse

Firecracker!

2006-11-05T01:16:00.000+08:00

This is the faithful, tragic day that I, once thought to be the tough, resilient kind, finally hit rock bottom.

*****--*****

Money does make the world go round. (And whosoever says that “love” still trumps money is just being pitifully naïve.)

Buggers

2006-10-22T23:07:00.000+08:00

Words just never seem to be enough. (Am I right, or am I right?)

The hardest thing I've had to deal with in life is the constant search of the right words to express whatever it is I have inside my head, which by the way, has been described by more than just a few people as a sort of "revelation." And if, for even just a split second, it is true.. then you could just imagine the pain of having to bear all the frustration of not being able to say what you so desperately want to. After all, and just like they all say, "communication is key."

This weakness is, therefore, to be blamed for the piles (and piles and piles) of Friendster testimonials I owe to lots of people, and for the yearbook write-ups some close friends have asked me to write, but that I've barely finished writing. Oh, and don't even get me started on the "PH Life" article I'm supposed to be writing for the yearbook. They're alotting a whole spread on it, and I'm supposed to be sending it tomorrow... Yeah, except I haven't even started working on it. Oh gawd.

I'm tired of all of this. *hmph*

Troublesome, cumbersome and paltry. That's what those little buggers are.

Bakit Kaya?

2006-10-19T20:50:00.000+08:00

I now have short hair. The shortest my hair has gone in 10 years, I think.

Bagay ba? Hehe! :p Or do I know officially look like a*gulp!*.... GUY? Ooohhh nnooooo!!

Pero bakit nga ba ulit ako nagpagupit?

I think I forgot, hehe. Impulsiveness strikes again! *Badabadam!*

P.S. Kuya Van says I look like an anime character! A GIFTED anime character from Final Fantasy, mind you. (Aba, sosyal!)

*****--*****

I'll be applying for med school this month! :D St. Luke's here I come!

Pero bakit kaya mas feel ko na ang St. Luke's ngayon kaysa sa UST? (Aba, misteryo ito a!)

*****--*****

I had last night and a whole day today to study for my final exam in Clinical Chemistry tomorrow.

Pero bakit kaya hindi pa ako nag-aaral!?!? (Aba, feeling papasa?!? Mukhang hindi ata!)

BOGOINK.

Alive, Alive, Alive Forevermore!

2006-10-16T00:28:00.000+08:00

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat."

-Theodore Roosevelt

No longer a "poor spirit" myself! *proud, beaming, smuggish look* I am now, finally, a normal, fun-loving person with an actual LIFE. I feel so alive :)

Last Day High

2006-10-10T19:38:00.000+08:00

I guess I’ve always thought of student life as one big rollercoaster, full of twists and turns one would think unimaginable to have the courage to ride through, that is, until it’s actually over. You then get out of the cart, step aside and move along, set to find another (and an even bigger) roller coaster to “conquer.” This semester, however, was the fastest, scariest, most tortuous roller coaster ride of my life. And boy, can't I wait to get off the ride. ☺

The first semester of my (hopefully) last year as an undergraduate student is almost over. And, although there’s nothing I’d want more than to say it was one of the best semesters I’ve had, or that the days felt like they just flew by.. I can’t. I just can’t. (Can’t, can’t, can’t.) And who in the world could blame me?

Last semester was actually a much-loathed semester, filled with nearly-suicidal moments and seemingly never-ending days of sheer torture. Mediocre grades on almost all subjects were nothing, but the lousy, not to mention embarrassing, protocol defense presentation was, of course, just the perfect way to “seal the deal.”

On a lighter note, however, the past semester did make me stronger. Bitter, but nevertheless, stronger. (Hehe! But really, what did you expect huh? ☺) Juggling six major subjects, a PE class whose schedule was in conflict with another major subject, tons of extra-curricular activities and a plummeting social life (or should I say “WHAT SOCIAL LIFE?!?”) was, in itself, an unbelievable feat for me. But I did it, didn’t I? *insert fireworks display and a marching band right here* :p

Now that I think about it though, I've realized that I was able to do more than what most people expected from me. (Heck, I did more than what I expected from myself!) Well, whaddya know.. I ain't that big a failure after all. "Slight" lang! Hahahaha! :D Hallelujah for optimism!

Thank God I got rid of all the excess emotional “baggage.” I’m now all set for the EH Final Exam. Like Vivian (from “Lovers in Paris”) says, AJA!

'Fess Up!

2006-10-08T15:19:00.000+08:00

"Awkward silence can evolve into a long period of miscommunication -- talk it out."

P.S. NnoOOoOooOooOooOoooooo! Pero mahirap na rin.. Oh gawd. :(

Must. Get. Out.

2006-10-07T18:28:00.000+08:00

Oh, and yes.. I completely understand.

I used to think that life was too short to take anything too seriously, but I guess it's different now that I've been shown there are some things worth more than the so-called "finer" things in life. It's going to get some getting used to, but it's alright. After all, the real deal is that life's too damn short NOT to take anything seriously. (Am I right or am I right? Hehe!)

Shit. I am sooo ruined, and this really has gotten way out of hand. Shit, shit, shit.

Now I believe. I really do need to get out more. I certainly, MUST GET OUT.

P.S. So, does anyone from the Thomas group want to go out next weekend? Call me ha :D

"Letting Out the Noise Inside of Me"

2006-10-05T18:02:00.000+08:00

I think I'm breaking out. I'm gonna leave you know.

There's nothing for me here, it's all the same.

And eventhough I know that everything might go downhill from here, I'm not afraid.

Way away from here I'll be, way away so you can see how it feels to be alone and not believe anything.

This is how it feels to not believe anything.

-"Way Away," Yellowcard

McSteamy, Indeed!

2006-09-30T17:34:00.000+08:00

I used to be mad at Dr. Addison Shepard. I mean, I never could imagine how anyone could cheat on someone as fine as Dr. Derek Shepard. Whoever could resist a neurosurgeon with perfect hair?!?

Then Dr. Mark shows up, and I continue to watch the show thinking "Who in the world could blame Addison?!?"

I'd seriously give anything to be Addison right now, haha :) McDreamy for a husband and McSteamy for a lover? OMG tiba!

If all female doctors get to have either of the two cutie surgeons, or (even better) both, at least once in their lives.. then, "MED SCHOOL HERE I COME!" Muhahahahahaha! :D

Jerk Alert!

2006-09-26T00:21:00.000+08:00

Alas! There had been a good reason all along. God is SO good! :)

A conniving, pretentious, all-knowing, dirtbag snob was all he had been.

Thank God I'm so over *toot*! Muhahahahahaha!

Salamat Lord.. Magpapakabait na talaga ako *wink wink* :D

Masochism is Everything

2006-09-12T19:02:00.000+08:00

Just a few hours ago, I was reminded about how expectations, no matter how big or small, almost always leave one wanting to hide under a rock and disappear... or, in my case at least, to sulk in a dusty corner of the library reading book after book, copying every phrase, sentence and paragraph with the words "methicillin," "nosocomial" and "Staphylococcus aureus" in it.

Truly, there cannot be anything as effective as a good, solid three hours of research when trying to hold back those annoying tears. Frustration and disappointment mean nothing, whereas disinterest and callousness mean everything. There just isn't the time to get all sensitive and affected, right?

Act like nothing happened and get on with the program. (Yeah, I'm pretty sure that that's the wisest thing to do. *May tama ka!*)

Thank God I'm a masochist at heart.

The Odds... Ratio.

2006-09-08T19:53:00.000+08:00

Got everything from PaulSadowski.com. Was actually wondering what my name meant, and then I stumbled into this. Voila.

And WOAH. Just what are the odds, huh?

"I beeeellliiieevvveee!!" Hahahahahha!

You entered: Mary Francine Chua
There are 16 letters in your name.
Those 16 letters total to 79
There are 6 vowels and 10 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 7

The characteristics of #7 are: Analysis, understanding, knowledge, awareness, studious, meditating.

The expression or destiny for #7:
Thought, analysis, introspection, and seclusiveness are all characteristics of the expression number 7. The hallmark of the number 7 is a good mind, and especially good at searching out and finding the truth. You are so very capable of analyzing, judging and discriminating, that very little ever escapes your observation and deep understanding. You are the type of person that can really get involved in a search for wisdom or hidden truths, often becoming an authority on whatever it is your are focusing on. This can easily be of a technical or scientific nature, or it may be religious or occult, it matters very little, you pursue knowledge with the same sort of vigor. You can make a very fine teacher, or because of a natural inclination toward the spiritual, you may become deeply emerged in religious affairs or even psychic explorations. You tend to operate on a rather different wavelength, and many of your friends may not really know you very well.The positive aspects of the 7 expression are that you can be a true perfectionist in a very positive sense of the word. You are very logical, and usually employ a quite rational approach to most things you do. You can be so rational at times that you almost seem to lack emotion, and when you are faced with an emotional situation, you may have a bit of a problem coping with it. You have excellent capabilities to study and learn really deep and difficult subjects, and to search for hidden fundamentals. At full maturity you are likely to be a very peaceful and poised individual.

If there is an over supply of the number 7 in your makeup, the negative aspects of the number may be apparent. The chief negative of 7 relates to the limited degree of trust that you may have in people. A tendency to be highly introverted can make you a bit on the self-centered side, certainly very much self-contained . Because of this, you are not very adaptable, and you may tend to be overly critical and intolerant. You really like to work alone, at your own pace and in your own way. You neither show or understand emotions very well.

Your Soul Urge number is: 2

A Soul Urge number of 2 means:
With the Soul Urge number 2, your motivation is centered on friendships, partnerships, and companionship. You want to work with others as a part of a cooperative team. Leadership is not important to you, but making a contribution to the team effort is. You are willing to work hard to achieve a harmonious environment with sensitive, genial people.

In a positive sense, the 2 Soul Urge is sympathetic, extremely concerned and devoted. The nature tends to be very sensitive to others, always tactful and diplomatic. This element in your nature indicates that you are rather emotional. You are persuasive, but in a very quiet way, never forceful. You are the type that makes really close friendships because you are so affectionate and loving.

If this number is over-emphasized in your makeup, you may be over-sensitive, with a delicate ego that is too easily hurt. You may be timid or fearful, too easygoing for your own good.

Your Inner Dream number is: 5

An Inner Dream number of 5 means:
You dream of being totally free and unrestrained by responsibility. You see yourself conversing and mingling with the natives in many nations, living for adventure and life experiences. You imagine what you might accomplished.

The Finger

2006-09-03T20:25:00.000+08:00

And no.. i didn't spill chocolate syrup on my finger.

This is actually what happens when you get ferrous ammonium sulfate on your finger. Shet, noh?

It won't go away. I've scrubbed 'til it hurt and felt like I just scrubbed off the entire stratum corneum layer. It just won't go away!

Grrr! I really hope this isn't some permanent thing.

Hmph.

What's Not Happening

2006-08-27T22:16:00.000+08:00

I don't think I've ever had a reason, or at least an urge great enough to completely change my views on leaving the country like the one I have right now.

I'm not doing so well in school, and I'm finally losing all hopes of starting anew. The situation's pretty depressing, really, and it just keeps getting worse everyday. I want to start fresh, to start with an absolutely clean slate.. and although I force myself to think that it IS a possibility right here and right now, it just isn't happening. It's not happening.

It's not happening.

Gaaah..

I Could Definitely Get Used To This

2006-08-25T01:32:00.000+08:00

"I like to feel his eyes on me when I look away."
What a way to get me to start being vain again! Mwehehehhehe!

P.S. Quote was originally from the movie, "Before Sunrise." Ganda talaga ng movie na yun :)

P.P.S. "Narcissistic nga e!" Hahahahhahah!

The Diary of a Slacker

2006-08-22T03:53:00.001+08:00

I think I know why I've recently been acting like a complete slacker when it comes to my acads.

And yes, aside from the huge fact that my future as a graduating PH student is "hanging" (due to a sudden turn of events that's clearly beyond my control), I think it may actually be because subjects I've been taking this year just aren't as interesting anymore.

I mean, last semester rocked. I loved medical microbiology (PH152), I loved learning about all kinds of baterial strains, viruses and fungi and how they had all these effects on the human body. I also loved nutrition (PH162), because information I learned there helped me a lot especially with my attempts on losing weight and on seriously, trying to live a healthier life. I also liked pathology (PH122), because as strange as it seems (and although it didn't seem as fun at the time), I liked learning the different mechanisms of cellular injury and of other things I'm currently forcing myself to remember but can't. Plus, I usually found myself wanting to learn more as each laboratory session was filled with real human organs saturated and oozing with the aromatic smell of formaline. I can still even remember exactly how the granuloma on that right lung looked like. Aaastteeg tiba! Who can top that!?! (Although, I must say that the experience has left me with the feeling of "I don't think I'd ever be able to look at cheese the same way.. ever again." Hehe.) But what I really really miss the most is, of course, parasitology (PH172). I terribly miss those "egg-hunting" laboratory sessions. I miss how after every laboratory session, we'd all leave the room with throbbing brains and involuntarily squinting eyes (read on harmful effects of long hours of microscope usage, haha!) and hands that smell like shit. Yes, SHIT... and I mean that in the literal sense ha. GO KATO-KATZ! Yipee! :p (FYI: Sa para ko lang rin naranasang sabihin sa kaklase ko ang hindi kapani-paniwalang "pahingi ng tae mo ha." O, carry mo yun?)

I miss how with not so much effort (but still, effort with a capital E!), I had managed to squeeze all those information (some useful, but most of 'em useless as hell. hehe!), into my puny brain. What I miss is the feeling of learning not because I had to, but because I sincerely wanted to. The "want" to learn makes studying so much easier.. not to mention a lot more fun. (Teka, did I just use the words "studying" and "fun" in the same sentence?! Hitsamirakol!)

Haaay. I don't hate environmental health (PH136) that much, but I'm, quite frankly, just not that interested. I dislike clinical chemistry because.. duhhr, it involves chemiistry (Obviously!). Hahahhaahha! I'm not that interested in health policy and administration (PH186) as well, because it's all got to do with planning and I guess we all know I suck at that.. I mean, really? Who are we kidding here anyway? :p And honestly, I guess the only subject that has captured at least some of my dangerously dwindling interest is clinical microscopy (PH156). And, as scary and unbelievable as this may seem... I actually find myself enjoying lectures by Prof. de Guzman aka TSG. Is this THE sign, or what?!?

Oh no, I've completely lost track of time again. Already 4:30 am and I've still got 2 more transcriptions to read. (Lecheng urinalysis at blood banking na yan! E aanhin ko ba naman kasi ang mga cryoprecipitate na yan e?!?! Hmph. Bleh!)

Gotta go.. *sabay karipas ng takbo papuntang kusina.. gutom na naman siya. Hehe.*

P.S. Would it be considered weird to refer to your stomach in the third person? Nyeh..

Everything Except Paranoid

2006-08-20T20:31:00.000+08:00

Okay, so maybe I took the test again right after I saw the first round of results. I checked twice, but the results were pretty much still the same. So there...

I'm DOOMED (or maybe it's the people around me who are doomed? hehe!).

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	Very High
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

To be quite honest, I'd thought about whether or not to post this item more than I have any other post. It just seems strange, that's all. Plus, I wouldn't want to scare anyone with this junk. It's just a silly test.. that's all there is to it, right?

I'm in deep sh*t, noh?

Oh well, at least I'm not paranoid. (Hahaha!)

Houston, We Have a Problem.

2006-08-13T21:27:00.000+08:00

I just wanted to watch a movie, that's all.

Yet now I'm doomed! I'M DOOMED! This is, by far, the worst thing that's ever happened to me this year. So bad, in fact, that it certainly beats the ugly grade I got in last Epid's exam. Hmph.

But why!?!?!? Why did this disaster have to happen to ME... of all people!?!?

NoOoOOoOOooOOOOOOOooooo!

I'm going to cry. (*sniff sniff*)

*****--*****

"For convenience" lang pala ha.

Ha! UTOT MO.

For convenience mong lelong mo. Che!

Panget kang tingting ka. Kabitan ka lang ng kumot sa likod mo, plus matching sinulid..

VOILA! INSTANT SARANGGOLA!

Sabagay, she does deserve someone more than you.

Oh, and I hope you know that "what comes around, goes around." And I think nothing would make me happier than to see you, when it actually does "come around." *evil laughter*

P.S. Remind me to NEVER trust boys. Especially the ugly sweet-talking ones, and those who are never brave enough to face anything. Leche, ampota.

P.P.S. Leche! Leche! (Huy Franciscka! Tama na. Hahabol pa eh... *tsk, tsk, tsk*)

Hmph.

2006-08-10T21:49:00.000+08:00

Why can't he be the same person he is with her, with me?

Oh well. Tinanong ko pa. Hmph.

Let It Bleed

2006-08-08T03:49:00.000+08:00

There are days where you've got to make a choice, a firm decision to either embrace masochism or fail.

"Let it bleed.
And take the red for what it's worth, whoa.
Watch the fire.
Fill your lungs with smoke for the last time.
If you feel like dying, you might wanna sing."

And not that failure isn't an option, but that failing without really trying to improve the situation is something worse than death.

It's now exactly 4:05 am, and I'm absolutely proud of myself for having survived being without sleep this long. I've managed to read 4 out of the 7 transcriptions (3 more to go, yipee for me!), and crammed 13 laboratory reports in one sitting. I may actually be at the peak of my being productive.. yeah, except for I'm blogging now so that's considered as a major minus. aaawww... : (

I had my first cup of coffee since so long ago I can't even remember... the real kind of coffee mind you, not the frappuccinos I now rarely even get for myself (hmmm.. might get one later. haha). I've also thought about my soon-to-be future as a medical student, and actually acted on it by sending an email to ASMPH (Ateneo School for Medicine and Public Health), asking for more information about the school (seeing as I won't be able to attend the talk on the 9th.. exam again the next day e. No. can. do. Pphhhhbbbtt!). Not that it's on top of my list though, since UST and St. Luke's are still my top choices. UE and ASMPH are now fighting for my third choice. Hehe : p

And now I'm starting again. Don't you just hate it when your mind suddenly drifts off to thoughts of the future when there's the immediate future you should be taking care of first (i.e. EH EXAM! *Badabadam!* o tiba may sound effects pa)?

P.S. Gising nga ko, tulog naman utak ko. Palagi na lang nananaginip ng gising.

Blah.

2006-08-04T22:07:00.000+08:00

Don't be fooled.

There certainly is more happening underneath than what appears from the outside. Trust me.

Yeah, and it's called a pimple... an ingrown pimple. What probably makes it so unique is that hurts more than the normal, pus-y kind of pimple. So much, in fact, I'm afraid that with every facial muscle twitch inadvertently made, it might burst and release pimple-causing organisms into my system. One way ticket to pimple sepsis. The first of its kind in the world. Wow, rare. Sarap ba gawan ng case report? Ha. Sucks pare.

Hayun. And so my life is reduced into thoughts pimples and other imagined, made-up complications. Goes to show what weeks of academic torture does to you. Yep, it completely sucks the life right off 'ya.

Wish me luck.

Friendster Horoscope for the Day

2006-07-29T11:45:00.000+08:00

Maturity will come into play now. Some people have it, some people will get it.
There's a bit of a preschool vibe to this day, with lots of people making messes and having tantrums. Luckily, you're not the substitute teacher, so you won't have to deal with managing the mess. But observe who's making mature choices, and who's opting for the more childish route.
Ha.

Couldn't possibly agree more.

Hint Hint!: Not me.

Bitterness Is In The Air

2006-07-22T12:52:00.000+08:00

I suddenly wish I hadn't been Rafa's internet stalkerazzi.

The truth hurts y'know.

Goodbye dearie. Break na tayo, for real :(

Status: Too preoccupied with schoolwork to even care (Micro and Epid Exams, here I come!). Hmph.

Muwehehe :)

2006-07-20T19:19:00.000+08:00

Read Uncle Robert's email, and he was corny-funny as usual. I guess some things will never change. Kulet, grabe :p

"I am now your step dad...yes that means you can step on me when you see me"
Hehe!

"We're Going Tree Planting!"

2006-07-15T22:13:00.000+08:00

Now I remember.

A wise (Holy Cow!!) professor of ours back in sophomore year once told us that there are three ways to immortalize one's self: (1) by planting a tree, (2) by writing a poem, and (3) by having children. And quite predictably, just the thought of immortalizing one's self completely fascinates me, sometimes even leaving me in a trance (don't bother asking though, just know that it has happened quite a few times. hehe!). Of course I want to be immortal (hello, duuh). And since just the idea itself already seems too far-fetched, even for me, maybe just knowing that I tried to be, uhm.. "immortal" will suffice. After all..

"The answer must be in the attempt."

Haha.

Can't say that I'd be able to write a decent and fairly-memorable poem though, because I suck at having to find words that rhyme with each other, or words that don't exactly rhyme but still have to jive with the previous idea. Plus, I just can't get my hands on finding the right word to express whatever it is I have inside my head. It just never happens, I guess.

Can't say that I'd be able to bear children someday too, seeing as I've almost completely lost all hopes of finding Mr. Right (shit, kahit Mr. Bearable man lang e) and having a family of my own. Hehe. (Hey! For once I've found the right word to describe my situation: PITIFUL. Makes sense, yeah? Mwenyehehehe!)

And so, I'm left with planting a tree in a precarious attempt to immortalize ME. (... although an immortalized Francine strikes me as something that's a little scary... bakit kaya? Hmm.)

Oh, and by the way, I've done it. I've finally been able to plant a tree. I planted two seedlings actually, one's a mango while the other one's a mahogany. What's more is that I had so much fun, especially hanging out with the children of He Cares Foundation Village. In fact, today was definitely one of the most rewarding days of my life. I absolutely loved every mintue of it. Loved it :)

Note: Pediatrics has, once again, been laid on the table. Gulo na naman ito :p Another possible answer to a question which, from the looks of it, may never even be answered. The battle continues....

Pediatrics vs. Internal Medicine vs. (any) Surgery

Oh well, at least I've still got five more years think over it. (Oh yeah, five years of self-flaggelation's more like it. Hehe!)

P.S. Pagod ako kaya pagbigyan ang kalat na post :p

Let It Rain

2006-07-12T08:26:00.000+08:00

"Isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?"

-Celine (Julie Delpy), "Before Sunrise"

*****--*****

When you ask someone a serious question that's usually answerable only with either a yes or a no, and they answer you by quoting the Bible or saying things like "have faith in Him," "trust Him," or anything that has the word "God" in the same sentence.. trust me, it's NEVER a good sign.

And that's based from experience. Hehe :)

*****--*****

"Oh, yeah. Yeah. I know what you mean about wishing somebody wasn't there, though. It's just usually it's myself that I wish I could get away from. Seriously, think about this. I have never been anywhere that I haven't been. I've never had a kiss when I wasn't one of the kissers. You know, I've never, um, gone to the movies, when I wasn't there in the audience. I've never been out bowling, if I wasn't there, you know making some stupid joke. I think that's why so many people hate themselves. Seriously, it's just they are sick to death of being around themselves. Let's say that you and I were together all the time, then you'd start to hate a lot of my mannerisms. The way, uh, the way every time we would have people over, uh, I'd be insecure, and I'd get a little too drunk. Or, uh, the way I'd tell the same stupid pseudo-intellectual story again, and again. You see, I've heard all those stories. So of course I'm sick of myself. But being with you, uh, it had made me feel like I'm somebody else. You know the only other way to lose yourself like that is, um, you know, dancing, or alcohol, or drugs, and stuff like that."

-Jesse (Ethan Hawke), "Before Sunrise"

Disclaimer: The sky may be falling (especially here in Manila! Grrr!) and I may have posted the semi-mushy movie quote above, but trust me... I certainly did not and do not intend to be romantic at all. Truth be told, I merely intend to justify dancing and drinking. Hahaha! (Uuy, ang defensive ko naman. Hehe..)

*****--*****

I'm going to fail my PE Swimming class. Two more absences and I'm done for :(

*bbbbbuuuuzzzz......*

Teka... SO MAGKA-LEVEL NA PALA NGAYON ANG PE AT MATH17!?!

*****--*****

“The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain.”

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

SO TRUE. Now that's the wisest thing I've heard all day :)

Somebody Owns You Now

2006-07-01T19:43:00.000+08:00

Oh gawd, please no. This can't be real.

Now I know what "broken" feels like.

Rafa with girlfriend, Xisca Perello

"I want to live forever
Inside the nights and days.
Wishing on a silver cloud,
Crawling across the moonbeams.
A summer night in heaven
Between the stars and waves.
Race across the old bonfire;
Trample on my heartbeat.
I wanted to turn you on
My favorite song.
Wanted to be near you
But somebody owns you now.
I love you with a fire,
Ablazing till times end
But what good is a heart
When it shudders to speak.
I guess it's too late now.
I wanted to turn you on
My favorite song.
Wanted to be near you
But (of course) somebody owns you now.
(And) I tried to live somehow
Somebody owns you now"

My whole world might as well end. (Exagge noh, parang naging kami? Mwehehehe! But really, I suddenly don't feel well. Haaay... Sadness.)

Success!

2006-06-29T20:51:00.000+08:00

Yeah beybeh, yeah!

My first successful venipucture ever, and all thanks to Ms. Bernadette D.C. Esteban. Thanks Dette! Thanks for your undeniable bravery, but most importantly, for having really obvious and easy-to-draw-blood-from veins! Hahaha! And in return, know that my veins will always be at your disposal. :D

There folks, I'm officially (a little) learned in the field of Phlebotomy.

And so, does anyone in here want their blood drawn? For a good cause naman e, so donate your veins to me! Mwahahahaha!

Gabriel! Gabriel!

2006-06-28T21:46:00.000+08:00

Pano ba yan, e smile pa lang pamatay na... How I miss those longganisa arms and legs. And those cute feet that would make the cutest keychains ever. Haay, I miss Gabe :(

Feeling Mrs. Chase

2006-06-23T18:35:00.000+08:00

Presenting... my HOUSEband, Dr. Chase.

Grabe, have you seen those eyes?!? Oh, and let's not forget the accent! The accent! The ACCENT! Aaaaahhh!

current status: kilig to the max! :D *lub dub! lub dub!*

Lord, Save Me From Hematomas

2006-06-17T21:12:00.000+08:00

I can't believe I've neglected this blog for more than a month now. I guess writing just doesn't come to me as much as it did before. I need to get my mojo back. Blah..

School officially started last week, and I bet that my (hopefully) final year as a BS Public Health student will be the toughest ever. What's weird though, is that it's not the thesis paper nor the special studies defense that scares the hell out of me. Classmates who know me well probably already know what I'm talking about, but for those who don't... one word: venipuncture.

Oh my gawd.. Oh my gawd talaga.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of blood or anything. Heck, I like the sight of blood. As long as it isn't mine, of course. And it's not that I'm afraid I'm going to mess up or anything, although it's starting to become a part of it. The thing is that I still can't tolerate the thought of having some foreign object (i.e. needle) piercing my skin and drawing blood from the inside of my vein (i.e. lumen). And lemme tell you, this is one of those situations where having a very vivid and lively imagination like mine absolutely doesn't help.. 'cause it actually makes the whole situation a lot worse.

My days are numbered. I'm going to have to start praying really hard soon.

P.S. Trivia Trivia! Needlephobia is the fear of needles or treatment involving needles.

Welcome to the Valley

2006-05-12T19:32:00.000+08:00

The percentile I got on my NMAT is really depressing. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin matanggap... not that I actually think I'm better than the others though. It's just that I expected more from myself, and now I've ended up putting myself down, down, DOWN yet once again. Kasalanan ko rin naman e, aminado ako dun. But that's exactly why it sucks. It does because I know that it was all my fault, and I'm well aware that there's no one to be blamed for it but me. Grrr... I hate me today.

"Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success... ...Flat stretches of boring routine... ...And valleys of frustration and failure."

-Calvin and Hobbes

Eksakto

2006-05-08T16:03:00.000+08:00

Grr.. I've got this huge exam in NatSci4 tomorrow. Want to do so much MORE. Hmph!

More Calvin and Hobbes?

The Milan Kundera Wannabe

2006-05-03T22:12:00.000+08:00

But of course it takes a mind like that of Milan Kundera to describe what I've been desperately trying to figure out but have miserably failed to. I've only sat with his book, "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" for 2 days, yet I already consider it as if it were a second Bible, with every word echoing in my head as if bongo drums or huge church bells were installed in it without me even knowing. His words, accompanied by his woah-how'd-you-come-up-with-something-like-that line of thinking, are much like those annoying novelty songs you can't help but sing over and over again even when, admittedly, it already hurts to hear the sound of your own voice. I'm currently regretting reading his book just now, when I've got summer classes and therefore have no choice but to prioritize reading that icky organic chemistry learning module- where of course, the operative word is "learning," yet whose meaning absolutely (and unsurprisingly) means nothing to me.

A basta, sobrang galing niya talaga. I-D-O-L, period.

"He remained annoyed with himself until he realized that not knowing what he wanted was actually quite natural.

We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.

[...] There is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison. We live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold. And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself? That is why life is always like a sketch. No, "sketch" is not quite the word, because a sketch is an outline of something, the groundwork for a picture, whereas the sketch that is our life is a sketch for nothing, an outline with no picture.

Einmal ist keinmal [...]. What happens but once, says the German adage, might as well not have happened at all. If we have only one life to live, we might as well not have lived at all."

"The Unbearable Lightness of Being" by Milan Kundera

Penitensya Part II: The Scourging in the Jeepney

2006-04-21T15:36:00.000+08:00

Right after his arrest, Christ was scourged at the pillar. I, on the other hand, was scourged on the face right after organic chemistry class.

Personally, there can't possibly be anything worse than having to endure a 30-minute jeepney ride on a hot, humid day, with someone else's sweaty, sticky, shit-smelling, whiplike hair smothered all over your face. Gawd, I swear, that if it had not been 34 degrees hot outside (therefore inducing a strange kind of laziness in oneself and making new hybrids of sloth out of everyone), I probably would've told off that rude girl with the annoying, "flying," not to mention UGLY, hair.

I know, as I've been told lots of times, that I've got really high standards for everything. But, give me a break! It doesn't take a genius to know that hair, especially the long kind, goes with the direction of the wind, right? I've had almost 4 years of commuting experience (*Shet! BS Jeepney, Tricycle and LRT ba daw ang course ko? haha!*), and this is, unsurprisingly, not the first time that this has happened. And, it's really disappointing to know that there are lots of inconsiderate people out there, roaming the streets, and preying on innocent, well-mannered, drop-dead gorgeous people like me. This world is indeed an unsafe place for the likes of us, noh? (*Laugh trip ba? Nyehehe!*) Plus, how hard is it to pull your hair back? Or to simply hold your hair during the course of the trip? Get what I mean? Arrrghh!

Just so everyone knows, I didn't do anything to that stranger. In truth, I actually found her to be quite pretty... except of course that was before I found out that she lacked good manners and common sense. She's a complete stranger to me, but one thing that I do know about her is that today must've been one of her lucky days, because my previous encounters with the likes of her turned out to be not so good. I won't go into details about those encounters though, since my blog is rated PG-13... and well, they're too gruesome, even for words. Nyarks! Joke lang! Haha!

On the tricycle ride home, and after rummaging through the stuff inside my bag, I was reminded of how I had been carrying scissors all along. Ahuhum, tiba?!? I felt really bad though, knowing that I'd missed my chance, the chance of a lifetime to get back at people of her kind... Naaah! Di naman ako ganun kasama noh! Although right now, I'm having a really fun time imagining what it would've been like to cut her hair right then and there. Mwahahahaha! What would it have been like to suddenly switch careers from an aspiring doctor to an instant Ms. Scissorhands (except for not being the talented kind like Johnny Depp was in the movie)? Super nightmare, tada-da-dum! Hmmm... *daydreaming* Hihihi! Grabe, just thinking about it makes me feel all giddy inside! Hahahahhaha!

Oh well, at least I can laugh about it now :D

Mabuhay ang mga tunay na SADISTA ng bayan!

Trip Trip Lang

2006-04-09T21:08:00.000+08:00

Have You Ever...?? (put an 'X' next to what u have accomplished)

() snuck out of the house
(x) gotten lost in your city: I pretty much get lost wherever I go... hehe! No sense of direction kasi!
(x) saw a shooting star: on a Batangas outing with high school classmates!
() been to any other countries besides the united states
( ) had a serious surgery
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas: OMG! I went out of the house only to find out bach at home that my shorts had a HUGE hole at the back! Shet! So that's why I'd been getting weird looks from strangers! Waaah!))
( ) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger: uhm, LSS Graduation... (hugs, beso-beso, and stuff like that)
( ) been in a fist fight
( ) been arrested
( ) done drugs
(x) Had alcohol: Drink moderately! Syemps noh!
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose: The COKE Experience was the best! The effervescence leaves a weird feeling inside the nose though.. :o)
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator: Gawd, I miss that days when we used to fetch Mama from the office..
( ) swore at your parents
(x) been in love: Does being inlove with LIFE count? Haha!
(x) been close to love: Syemps! Pero mejo infatuation lang.
() been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
( ) broken a bone
( ) been high: but only when I drink a little too much..
( ) skinny-dipped
(x) skipped school: freshman years! G-box nang G-box, ayan tuloy na-SINGKO sa Math17!
( ) flashed someone(not on purpose)
( ) saw a therapist
( ) done the splits
(x) played spin the bottle
(x) gotten stitches: Had stitches on my right eyebrow 'cause of one of those performances while in the shower that I used to have way back as a kid.
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour: teka, sino 'toh... si Joey?
(x) bitten someone: wawa naman si Sunshine! Ang biktima ng lahat ng mga ka-praningan ko dati!
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex: uhm, si Papa...
(x) kissed a member of the same sex: Mama and sisters..
(x) kissed a member of the same sex on the cheek: Mama, sisters, friends...
( ) crashed into a friend's car
() been to Japan
(x) ridden a taxi
() been dumped
() shoplifted
( ) been fired
(x) had a crush on someone of the same sex: "Disclaimer: I am not gay, ok?"
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back: the most painful feeling of 'em all.. except he really didn't know it.. hehe! grabe, sobrang tagal na ata nun..
(x) stolen something from your job: Does chalk count?
() gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend (no matter what you say you know that at some point you have): but I've never lied about anything big..
(x) had a crush on a teacher: I heart Sir Solon! :D
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
( )been to Europe
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
(x) seen someone die: Papa.. :(
() had a close friend die
( ) been to Africa
(x) Driven over 400 miles in one day
() Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
( )Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet: just people from the blogging community..
( ) lost a child
(x) gone to college: Nasa college na nga ba talaga ako? At teka, graduating na nga ba talaga ako? Hmmm..
( ) graduated college
( ) done hard drugs
(x) tried killing yourself: seeccrreeett!
( ) fired a gun
(x) purposely hurt yourself
(x) taken painkillers: Ponstan and Alaxan are painkillers, right?
(x) love someone or miss someone right now: obvious na naman siguro kung sino yung sobrang miss ko na, tiba?

Lame-O!

2006-04-04T10:17:00.000+08:00

My life is so lame. I am so lame.

It's so boring these days. I never thought I'd be spending the only two weeks of summer vacation I'd be getting this year like this. This sucks, big time.. and for real.

Got so bored today that I viewed profile after profile of about half of those in my Friendster friends list (So this is what Sunshine does all day, huh? This is what it's like to be my younger sister pala). And, as I viewed most of their pictures too, I saw how most of them have actual social lives. They go to bars, mostly at Ponti's, Embassy, Temple Bar and Absinth, none of which I've been to or have even ever driven past through (sad noh?). Most of them also had pictures of recent trips to Boracay, Puerto Galera, Palawan, Tagaytay and Baguio, which of course are some of the more famous summer vacation spots in the country, except for I'm not spending my vacation in any of those places.

I know I don't go out as much as other people my age do, but it's mainly because I'm always broke and Mama would NEVER give me money to go out or see a movie with my friends, even to buy prepaid load for my fone.. not that I'm insisting she should though 'cause I completely understand that we're not that financially stable right now as we were before. But gawd, I just want to get out of here, which I can't 'cause I barely have money saved up to pay for a single jeepney fare.

Oh no, oh no, oh no. I've thought about getting a summer job, but I've got summer classes right after holy week so there's no use looking for one, too. Most of the time I wish that I should've just charged all that I had to pay for at school to Mama, except I know that there're bills left to pay and that there'd already be three of us in college next year... Oh no, oh no, oh no.

Mas lalo lang yata akong nalungkot a... A basta, ewan. Hmph!

Isn't She Lovely?

2006-03-31T20:10:00.000+08:00

Havaianas Summer

"Isn’t she lovely
Isn’t she wonderfull
Isn’t she precious
Less than one minute old
I never thought through love we’d be
Making one as lovely as she
But isn’t she lovely made from love"

P.S. Waaaah! I just luuuvvvv this pair of Havaianas... If only I wasn't broke, as in DEAD BROKE! Leche naman, this just absofuckingsucks (uy, imbento!)... Haay! :(

The Guy Who First Believed

2006-03-27T22:15:00.000+08:00

Was browsing through my friendster pics, and as soon as this one popped in the monitor, a very timely and sentimental song ("You First Believed" by Hoku) starts playing over iTunes... Then I realize, that it's been a while since we've visited Papa. Guilt trip ata 'toh a... :(

"How many times did I pray
You'd find me
How many wishes on a star
Gazing off into the dark
Dreaming I'd see your face
Safe at home unafraid
Captured in your embrace

So many times
When my heart was broken
Visions of you
Would keep me strong
You were with me all along
Guiding my every step
You are all that I am
And I'LL NEVER FORGET

It was you who first believed
In all that I was made to be
It was you looking in my eyes
You held my hand
And showed me life
And I'VE NEVER BEEN THE SAME SINCE YOU FIRST BELIEVED"

Siguro nagpaparamdam si Papa, baka raw kasi nakakalimutan ko na siya... Pero hindi... Never.

Ranting is My Favorite Hobby

2006-03-19T19:35:00.000+08:00

Now would be a really great time to die.

Last week was sheer torture, but I'm pretty sure this week wouldn't be any different. There're still tons of work left to do, departmental and final exams to study for, and research and report papers that have yet to be conceptualized, written and passed. Plus, the mere thought of having to complete and pass both the STS Case Study and the Nutri Barangay Field Work Team Report on the same day, just a day after the dreaded Micro exam, overwhelms me... leaving me, once again, in a state of utter confusion, uselessness and senselessness.

I'm actually on a break from reviewing for the academically-fatal Parasitology exam tomorrow, and yes, I am fully aware that it's already 8pm and that I've only managed to finish 2 out of the 10 transcriptions, reviewed nothing for the laboratory part of the exam, and read none of the 9 journal report abstracts that, in my opinion, never should've been included in the exam. Shux. Shux. SHUX.

I had originally planned to write something fairly happy, but my mind just went blank, and now I can't remember whatever it was that I was supposed to write. Oh well... Next time na lang ulit. Hehe!

"It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated."

- Alec Bourne

Teka... so bakit pa ko nagpapakahirap mag-aral? Hmmm...? Mwehehehe! :o)

Brain-Dead

2006-03-14T21:58:00.000+08:00

Yep, it just dies on me just when I absolutely need it.

I want a break. WTF?!? I NEED A BREAK!

This Week:

Monday: Nutri Lec Exam
Tuesday: Patho Lab Exam
Wednesday: Prepare for & In-Ter-Na-Lize Parasitology Journal Report, STS Case Study Proposal Deadline (OMG! I loathe STS!), More Mycology Lab Work!!!
Thursday: Para Journal Reporting (Results & Discussion pa ang nabunot ko! 'Pag minalas ka nga naman talaga!), Nutri Lab Exam
Friday: Micro Practical Exam
Saturday: Public Herald Meeting, Work on Case Study & on Nutri BFW Report
Sunday: Study for Parasitology Exam (10 transcriptions pare! dabomb!)

Next Week:

Monday: Para Lec Exam, Nutri BFW Anthro Group Presentation
Tuesday: Micro Lec Exam, Finalize STS Case Study
Wednesday: STS Case Study Deadline, Nutri BFW Team Report Deadline
Thursday: Sunshine's Graduation (At least I get to be happy for a few hours before I get back to studying for my Pathology Final Exam, right?)
Friday: Pathology Final Exam
Saturday: STS Exam

And the Week After That: FINALS WEEK! (Waaaahhh!)

Okay.... So needless to say, I'm slowly DYING here, noh? Haaay....

To Moi: Good Luck and Good Night.. and Good Luck and Good Luck and Good Luck and Good Luck and Good Luck and Good Luck! Helloooo? You still alive?? Boing! Tooooottt! *flat-line!*

Long Overdue

2006-02-24T13:01:00.000+08:00

Today isn't so bad after all.

Yeah, I know that the the president just declared the country to be under the "state of emergency." And yes, I also know that there are lots of people rallying at the EDSA Shrine right now. However, in spite of the ever-political turmoil that's currently shaking the country, I am in a cheery, calm and rested disposition.

I admit that the day started completely pppfffbbbttt(!!!) though, 'cause aside from my worrying about the possibility of Sunshine not being fetched by their school bus from school, today also happened to be one of those days when a miraculous phenomenon happened, just that this time it happened for nothing. The phenomenon was this: I got up as early as 5pm, had breakfast with my sister, prepared myself for school and still had enough time to take Tashi for a quick stroll. See, I never get up early enough for school and I was really proud of myself for being ready to leave the house by 6:30 am. So imagine my disappointment when, while waiting for a tricycle outside of the house, I read a text message from Tita Teresa telling me that classes were suspended! Plus, I was supposed to pass my overdue laboratory activities in Parasitology, which means that by Monday they would've been long long long long overdue! Grrr! Bad trip nga naman talaga!

Right after Sunshine got home, we "cam-whore-d" using the webcam(hehe!), played with Tashi and then took a short nap in Papa's bed. I guess today was what you could consider a "blessing in disguise," because it fulfilled my dreams of finally bonding with my sister, which were coincidentally, much like those laboratory activities I was supposed to pass today... long overdue.

And, since Uncle Freddie requests it, here're the pictures from our cam-whoring session... Finally, may we all pray for at least SOME peace in this country (pakidasal na rin yung paggaling ng pimples ko! hahahhaha!). Good day to everyone! :)

Paranoid Ms. McPhee

2006-02-21T10:04:00.000+08:00

I can’t smile.

I can’t because it absolutely hurts to, and of course I mean this in every sense of the word “hurt.” It hurts to smile because I feel pain whenever my facial muscles stretch. Also, it hurts to smile because there isn’t a reason to smile. Don’t get me wrong, I try to find reasons, any reason for that matter really, but there just isn’t any. It’s been over a month now, and although my constant searching has led me practically nowhere, trust me when I say that “I’m still trying.”

But whatever is to blame for this relentless pain and unfortunate demise? (Exagge ba? Hehe!)

Maybe this will come as quite a shock to those who have not seen for a month or so, but the truth is this… I’m suffering from a very severe case of acne. Yep, you read that right and you won’t believe how physically-debilitating and emotionally-damaging this serious bout of acne is, especially to me.

Call it whatever you want, there's a wide range of names to choose from anyway. Pimples. Peem-ples. Pimpols. Peempols. Peeeem-Poollss! Whatever! All I know is that they’ve really ruined me. I’m stuck in a rut and my mind’s run out of things to do. My skin care routine has failed me, and my self-esteem has since then plunged to its untimely and unjustified death. (Woah noh?) I’ve been busy looking for my idealistic and optimistic persona as well, but now I'm finally beginning to realize that maybe my self-esteem didn’t jump off the cliff alone. So, FYI: They're both dead, dead, dead. But I guess it's alright. I mean, they were after all, the best of friends. (*Haay naku Francine, you’re really starting to scare me. *)

In memoriam:

+ R.I.P. +
Francine’s SELF-ESTEEM & IDEALISTIC NATURE
Born: December 1986
Died: February 2006

Loving Memory From: Friends and Francine Herself
“You both shall be missed.”

*Shet tiba? Ibang level na ‘to! Irreversible na ata ang sayad ko…*

But what do I do now? I've actually considered changing my name actually… I mean, no one recognizes me now anyway.

Hmmm… Anyhoo, how about this? Next time and when I’ve fully “transformed,” perhaps I should introduce myself like this… *ahum*…

“Hi, I’m Francine. But for your future reference, call me Ms. McPhee! ‘Coz I’m none other than the Nanny McPhee of the Philippines! There’s an uncanny resemblance, noh?”

Aaargh. Whatever. This really sucks. Oh well, I wasn’t pretty to begin with anyway. I better get a move on already. Haaay…

P.S. In an effort to start anew, I’ve actually thought of something positive for a change… At least ponder upon this, my condition would actually allow me to stay at part of the LRT coach reserved for the elderly, pregnant women, small kids and handicapped people. Why? ‘Cause then I’d actually be classified under the “handicapped” group, tiba? I mean, “facially-handicapped” counts, right? But wait, am I really handicapped because of my ugly face or because of my mental instability? Nyeh! Whatever! I’m handicapped either way… At least hindi na ko makikisiksik sa LRT! Yipee!

P.P.S. I’ve just realized that I usually cope with emotional baggage through SARCASM, noh? Pansin mo rin ba? Hmmm… Napaisip ako dun a…

Borborygmus

2006-02-02T22:22:00.000+08:00

Saw the movie, "Just Like Heaven," over the weekend, and I came across this quote that, in a freakishly true kind of way, gave me goosebumps...

"Stop swimming in your own mind, that's a dangerous neighborhood that you should never go into alone. "

Lemme tell you this... no one, as in no one, could've possibly said it more perfectly. Absolutely hits the spot. Ouch! Is this a sign that I should stop thinking too much? *Hehehe! :D*

P.S. So bakit "Borborymus" ang title ng post na toh? Hmm.. kasi gutom na naman ako! Kanina pa ko nagbo-borygmus! Wahahahaha! :)

Higgledy-Piggledy

2006-01-24T19:48:00.000+08:00

The universe has been conspiring against me. And weirdly enough, every morning that I’ve had since last week has turned out to be worse than that of the day before, not to mention one of the worst that I’ve had in this life… EVER. I sincerely try to not make the rest of the day as bad, but of course, all my conscious efforts, by some ugly freak of nature, tend to go to waste. Oh gawd, whatever.

I honestly don’t have any topic in mind right now, but I'm probably still writing because I’ve really missed blogging.. and well, miraculously enough, I've got extra time to blog. Anyway, I guess that this would be a great opportunity to rant about the ridiculously annoying traffic at EDSA (especially at Pasay Rotonda) that I’ve had to and unfortunately still have to put up with since last week. EDSA usually has four “functioning” lanes, but this time there are only two because of some construction thing-y. As a result, therefore, I’ve had to endure about 30 minutes to almost an hour more of traffic than usual. And all this, after a long, toxic, anaphylactic shock-inducing day at school. Grrr!!!

Plus, I’ve also gone totally gaga over all the consecutive, pamatay, talagang nakakamatay at sana-patay-na-lang-ako-ngayon exams in Pathology, Nutrition and Microbiology that we all had to endure just last week. Bwiset na STS rin yan! Feeling MAJOR subject?!? Oh well, that's PH life.. and there's still that 24-hour food recall report waiting to be done and transcriptions in Parasitology that have yet to be read for this Thursday's exam. Aaargh, whatever.

But I guess, the whole month made up for all its sucky-ness because: (1) My sister is getting married, (2) I got to cuddle and play with my nephew, Gabe aka “Baby G” again last Sunday, and (3) I finally got a someone, who’s not so special anymore, out of my freakin’ head.

(1) Ate Marby and Kuya Ping are getting married (*Just a simple civil ceremony though, because the church wedding will be this coming June.*) this Saturday, January 28, 2006.

(2) Baby Gabe is sooooooo….. FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT! I love him even more, though.. *Singing: “I love you more today than yes-ter-day!”*

(3) No comment.. ‘nuff said. (P.S. But if you really want to know, ask Krissy, also known as “Horsewoman!” Mwahahaha!)

I Heart Marcos!

2006-01-23T00:02:00.000+08:00

Move over, Rafael Nadal.. I got myself a new tennis crush.. Meet Marcos.

Marcos Baghdatis of Cyprus

Yeah, I know he doesn't look really good here, but what the heck.. he's charming AND he plays excellent, excellent, incredibly-good tennis!

Happy New Year!

2006-01-05T00:00:00.000+08:00

Although it's already a little late to be saying this now, I'd still like to wish everyone a "Happy New Year!" A warm welcome to a hopefully less suck-y year... 2006 is finally here!

Hell yeah, the past year sucked, although not as much as the year before that (Yep, 2004 was a really really painful year!), but it did also bring me more things to smile about.. and we all know that they involve three very very special babies. :)

But, I guess one of the hardest things that hit me the past year was the passing away of a very special guy.. the first guy to ever give me a flower, a single white rose. Too bad we never met, and I know that I'll forever be wondering what it's like to have met you in person. Thanks for many many things. I will always miss you.

*Shux, naging emotional ata yung post ko? A basta.. Haaay..*

Oh well... Again, a "Happy New Year!" to everyone!

2005-12-23T15:43:00.000+08:00

May gusto akong sabihin kanila: "Dette the Ruth-torturer," "Krissy the Horsie," "Tricia my Ciccia Pachuts," "Ryan the Saranggola," "Sharon the Singah," "Kris the Miracle Worker," "Rox the Bading Garci" at kay "Verna my Vernables Barnacles"....

Miss ko na kau... :(

Sobra. Grabe. *haaay...*

"Dream On, Francine"

2005-12-14T10:57:00.000+08:00

I'm desperately trying to find something "happy" enough to write about, but I can't. I've still got puffy eyes (from too much crying last night) that won't open wide enough for me to see anything unless I actually exert effort to open them. It's sad, pitiful... pathetic, really.

I hate thinking about how I almost forgot about my own birthday last week because of my "eagerness" to see Mama once again. I only get to see her once a year for only two weeks.. and recently, I've been having the feeling of wanting to be taken care of by someone who actually wants to. But, I guess I was wrong to expect anything at all. I should've known better than to expect anything, as my previous experiences have already taught me.

I guess I was a bit stupid to think that Mama would want to spend her two weeks of stay here in the Philippines to actually be with us. Of course, I should've considered all the "renovations" and "fixings" in the house that she wants to have done at least before she leaves again. And, I guess I should've also considered how much she wants us to "be close and feel close" with her new husband, which by the way, I tried doing when she left me stranded with him at the LTO.

I'm unhappy and discontented. And although it took me quite a while last night to figure out some things that have been bothering me lately.. I think I've thought about it well enough to finally say that "I am not mad." I've found out that it has mostly been extreme disappointement that's left me feeling like I'm crushed under tons of boulders and rocks.

I can only hope that I get the chance to make Mama happy at least before she leaves. I honestly don't like Uncle Robert, mainly because he talks way too much and gives too much advice even when the situation doesn't call for it. Too much talk is the least of what I want and need right now, because just in case he's forgetting.. I already have Mama to do all the nagging, nagging, nagging, nagging, screaming, screaming, screaming, nagging, screaming, nagging, screaming, and finally, nagging for me. I certainly don't need another nagger in this life and probably in all my lifetimes. Mama handles nagging very very well. *Get the point?*

Actually, now that I think about it.. there's only one thing I've been wanting to have with Mama before she arrived and now that she's here: alone time with her. "Alone time" sounds like paradise, but it also sounds too good to be true. Haay..

Quoting Mama when I asked her if I could drive the car on our way home from the LTO, "Dream on, Francine."

Shitty Holidays

2005-12-10T01:26:00.000+08:00

Mama's "happiness" (or so I'd at least like to think) arrived today. We went to the airport just a while ago to pick him up.. and coincidentally, to drop off all my hopes of a truly "Merry Christmas", which by the way completely left me as soon as the "huge guy in the brown coat" stepped inside the car.

Oh well. After all, life isn't fair... and it sucks, big time pare.

Shet. Happy Holidays to everyone.. *nyeh.. makalayas na nga dito.. a ewan, hmph!*

What Life Should Be (...but isn't)

2005-12-03T09:21:00.000+08:00

"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather than my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot. I should rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time."

-Jack London

Papa Owes Me A Dance :)

2005-11-27T13:04:00.000+08:00

Papa's first death anniversary is today. However, because of unwanted academic responsibilities, I was unable to attend the gathering (They even held a mass and had dinner afterwards.), where I was, as Auntie Olive put it, "too late the hero." Aargh, whatever.

I know that I've always had the ugly tendency of exaggerating things.. but trust me when I say, with all that's left of my so-called heart, that "I've missed Papa every minute of everyday since the day he passed away." I miss him so much that I make sure to skip the song "Dance with my Father" by Luther Vandross everytime I listen to our computer's iTunes. I miss him so much that more often than not, especially when I'm stuck in traffic or staring at the ceiling during the countless times that I've been unable to fall asleep when I absolutely had to, I imagine having that wonderful, intimate debut he always promised me, and of course, that one father-daughter dance I never had but still dream of having albeit the single, important fact that he's no longer here. I, somehow, still refuse to believe it, but a year has offically passed and it's finally starting to sink in. Now I know that I'll never get to see him drive the dirty van he loved, hold his hand that was always there whenever and wherever I felt like I needed it, and hear his handsome voice that always reminded me of Frank Sinatra and Micheal Buble. (Gawd, I miss how he would always sing for me Buble's rendition of "Just the Way You Look Tonight.")

I guess it's true.. Papa really is gone.

Dear Papa,

Thanks for always being the one person who never doubted me, even when all my failures started pouring in... and even when I lost hope in myself. Thank you for teaching me to treasure my friends, to love my sisters, to not care about what other people say as long as I know I'm doing the right thing, to work hard, to enjoy life, to trust myself, and finally, to believe that amidst all the curve balls that are thrown right at me... that soon enough, and when I work and pray hard enough, everything would be alright.

I guess I've been forgetting that last one recently.. Thanks for setting me straight, and for constantly reminding me in ways that are uniquely yours, that you'll always be here with our family, with my sisters, and with me.

I love you Papa.

The luckiest daughter in the whole world but only because she had you for a father,
Francine

The Great Pretender

2005-11-20T13:53:00.000+08:00

Today proved to be one of the most character-molding days I've had in a long time, thanks of course to my good friend, Dette. Lemme explain. *ahum*

Dette, her older sister, Ryan and I rode the LRT together (but of course Ryan was on a different coach). Earlier though, I told her that I've been having not-so-good days lately because of family stuff. In fact, the way my day started was horrible. Imagine still feeling really sleepy and waking up twice because of the ruckus going on inside the house.. my sisters were arguing, again. Grrrr!

Later, as Dette, her sister and I were at the station waiting for the train, Dette casually said, "Mukha ka namang ok e." Regrettably and without thinking, I replied, "Ang galing ko noh?" Right then and there, I thought to myself, "Gawd. How could you have said that? Are you drugs? Shet, asan na ba yung train, bakit ang tagal naman? " I felt embarrased, not to mention stupid. I didn't think that was inside me, but I ended up blurting it out anyway. Shux.

As the train we've been waiting for approached the station and slowly came to a halt, a dreaded word uttered from her mouth struck me like lightning and left me at a loss for a quick retort... I guess it's a given when a friend, who I know only wants the best for me, calls you "mapagpanggap." What she said was hurtful, but only because it was the brutal truth I had tried so hard and for such a long time to hide. A testament to my truly defected character, I've been too afraid to admit, even when it has come to my realization for years now, that maybe I'm really just pretending about everything being alright even when they're obviously not.

I know for a fact that there are more truths about myself, hidden well beneath the mask I wear everyday, that I will have to eventually learn to admit and "fix." Maybe I'm just desperate for peace, which, as of the moment, I don't think exists and which I probably will never find. I want it, but I can't have it... So, for the meantime at least, I think I'll stick to pretending. I will still tell people that "I'm fine" and greet them with a smile on my face, even when inside, I feel like dying. To be a pretender is a great way to be... really? Ah, basta. Ewan.

Let me be.

" Oh yes, I'm the great pretender
Pretending that I'm doing well
My need is such I pretend too much
I'm lonely but no one can tell

Oh yes, Im the great pretender
Adrift in a world of my own
I play the game but to my real shame
You left me to dream all alone

Too real is this feeling of make believe
Too real when I feel when my heart can't conceive"

-"The Great Pretender" by Buck Ram

Nonsense

2005-11-15T14:17:00.000+08:00

I was disconnected from the rest of the internet world for an entire week! Our internet "provider" sucks! Waahrr! *wala lang, feel ko lang magreklamo.. hehe!*

My mind is an absolute blank right now, and although I've been itching to write about certain things since last week, I can't right now. Classes have just started, and I think that I should at least try to fix my recent "sickness." (FYI: My insomnia is getting worse!) I need to sleep early or else I won't get up early enough to attend my morning classes. Grrr..

So, maybe I'll tell stories next time. Let's give justice to the story, tiba? *nyeh? hehe!*

P.S. Obviously, walang kwenta yung post ko, tiba? Na-miss ko lang siguro mag-post.. kasi ba naman noh.. I eat, breathe and live for the internet tapos biglang isang araw mawawala yung supply mo? Wala lang. Haha :)

2005-11-06T18:03:00.000+08:00

"I Like For You to be Still"
By Pablo Neruda

I like for you to be still: it is as though you were absent,
and you hear me from far away and my voice does not touch you.
It seems as though your eyes had flown away
and it seems that a kiss had sealed your mouth.

As all things are filled with my soul
you emerge from the things, filled with my soul.
You are like my soul, a butterfly of dream,
and you are like the word Melancholy.

I like for you to be still, and you seem far away.
It sounds as though you were lamenting, a butterfly cooing like a dove.
And you hear me from far away, and my voice does not reach you:
Let me come to be still in your silence.

And let me talk to you with your silence
that is bright as a lamp, simple as a ring.
You are like the night, with its stillness and constellations.
Your silence is that of a star, as remote and candid.

I like for you to be still: it is as though you were absent,
distant and full of sorrow as though you had died.
One word then, one smile, is enough.
And I am happy, happy that it's not true.

I absolutely love this poem, not because I'm inlove with anyone, but because I'm STILL heartbroken. Nyeh? Haaay...

Not For Me

2005-11-05T02:31:00.000+08:00

It's not for me, now I know. It's pitiful, really, when I think about how I do what needs to be done only because I've already committed myself to it. I honestly thought it could be something I'd be good at, given that it's a lot like one of my "hobbies," but the truth is that for me, they're two entirely different things... plus, I'm not enjoying it. It ain't fun, and I'm seriously thinking about quitting.

Grateful

2005-11-01T12:50:00.000+08:00

Last Saturday was definitely one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. First, I got to have lunch with my highschool classmates at Glorietta, and have funny conversations with them over coffee at Greenbelt right after. Hanging out with them was really fun, but I had to leave early because my sisters, my aunt, my cousin and my "sister-in-spirit" (haha!) were already there to pick me up so we could go visit Ate Marby and of course, our newest nephew, not to mention the new 'love of my life,' Baby Gabe.

Achi, Francine, Sunshine and Baby Gabe

We left Kuya Ping's house a little earlier than I wanted to though, because we still had to drop off Tita Teresa and Gino at their home, but I didn't complain at all because when we got to their place, we were greeted by Baby Marco, who has, by the way, turned into the most energetic and cheerfully-cute baby I've ever seen.

Me, Ate Aina, Achi, Ate Kristine, Sunshine and Baby Marco

I'm grateful because things are finally starting to look up, or at least that's what I think based on the wonderful things that happened during the course of my fantastic weekend. Indeed, there is something about babies that gives you the feeling of hope and that makes you look forward to tomorrow even when the present situation starts to suck big time (hehe!). I can only hope that these babies remain to be what they are forever. (nyeh? hehe!)

Finally!

2005-10-30T04:11:00.000+08:00

It's finally over. Yipee! It really wasn't as hard as I thought, and maybe I acted all paranoid about the whole idea of writing for the Herald because I was nervous that I'd get rejected... having no experience in the field and all.. Hehe! Actually, whenever I think about it as I read my previous blog entries, where I rant about it all the time, I can't help but think that I was pretty stupid. I'm just really, really relieved that it's over. It's already a little late, but I think that I'll sleep well tonight. Plus, I can sleep with the thought of finally seeing and having lunch with my highschool classmates, whose company I miss terribly miss, tomorrow. The sweetest thought, however, that'll make tomorrow even more promising, is the that of finally getting to hold and cuddle my most favorite week-old nephew, Rafael Gabriel.

Good night, indeed.